Healing Loneliness with Love

“One of the deepest longings of my heart was the longing for love and I never found it.”
— Bertrand Russell

It's one of the facts of life that we shall all become bedfellows with loneliness and the heartache it brings. And this will conjure up in us a biblical longing, like the Christian story of Creation. The longing felt by Adam for a rib-mate was so strong that being with God in the Garden of Eden could not stop his loneliness.

And we've all had that wish sometime or another in our lives, to fall asleep and wake up with our own Eve, or Adam in front of us.

I wake up beside my twin flame everyday, and I begin the day by giving thanks for my many blessings. My true love ended my loneliness, because he is not only the right man for me, but the ultimate man for me. I feel after searching so long, I have finally come home. However, my loneliness wasn't because I was single. I've known unhappily married couples who have been together, and also been very, very alone.

Naturally, the important point here is love. But is love really the panacea to loneliness? Some see loneliness as beyond love, never to be put to sleep by it, or become the medicine for lonely, heart-broken souls. Writer D H Lawrence saw the problem of loneliness as beyond love - seeing it not as the root, but just mere branches.

There is a beyond in you and me which is further than love… beyond the scope as [some] stars are beyond the scope of vision…

Muddying the meaning of love

Although, if love seems to be an empty answer to loneliness for Lawrence, could it be because in the first place, we've confused its meaning? It may be we don't know what love is meant to be any more, because it's quite far from the original blueprint. The usage of love in the world today through media and pop culture has left love soulless.

Caught in the hype that to stop being lonely we need to stop being single, we feel we need to have sex as often as possible. First date sex has become obligatory almost in some areas, and websex might be a new term for many of us, but it's a growing phenomenon among Internet users, especially tech-savvy teens. Aside from Facebook and other similar social networking sites, clandestine meets for sex have become so popular that sites just for sex meets have now become the norm - where ideally this should be in a safe environment with a trusting partner.

Likely for some, sites for websex means seeing people as products, where we market ourselves, adding one more facet of life that suggests people are things for sale. If we use people like commodities, we may suddenly end up with our lives filled with so many somebodies that we used to know (or not even remember), it will depress us. Moreover, the reality of engaging in websex activity has also meant that many men - and women - are now reluctant to do the work required to commit to a relationship, with sex now a commodity that is available at the touch of a button.

Each to their own as long as no one gets hurt, I always say. And there's no denying that social media has given us more freedom and connected us globally in ways we could have never imagined. It must be so liberating if you come from an isolated community where you don't feel comfortable expressing yourself, or feel part of that community, to have the opportunity to meet like-minded people. It reassures you that you're not alone in your feelings, while allowing you to express yourself physically and sexually; I can understand how it can be a learning, growing experience.

Only remember, people looking for sex are rarely looking for love, and if you look for love in these places - you might find it - but more often than not, you'll find heartache. When we confuse this type of sex as love, we're stripping off from its original content, and meets like these will often mean that we return to square one - where we still feel empty, sad and lonely. Love becomes a conundrum - a puzzle - because we have confused it with either a pleasurable high, sex or a hole we fall into - and loneliness steps far out of the reach of its nemesis.

Daily life can result in boredom, and to break the monotony, the danger of websex can be exciting, it can feel sexy to some. Websex provides a shot of adrenalin into the arm of life, but it can't provide the answer to your loneliness. For that - and for the true meaning of love - we must look elsewhere.

In its truest form love heals loneliness

Soul, is the key word here. We can easily muddy the word of love without soul. I know of no other picture of love than the one of my twin flame; it encompasses friendship, familial and romantic love, because it encompasses my soul.

Make no mistake, I, just as much as anyone, know the benefits social media has provided for our generation, as I met my true love in answer to a question he'd raised about his sick dog Cassie on a veterinary Twitter account for client pets. When we eventually met, it was a long courtship, where I discovered that love, in its truest form, overwhelms even the loneliest of souls.

You need love with a soul, because true love is defined in terms that change the very core of our beings. It's a major picture that all of us can see – and follow if we just open our eyes and minds, and use our hearts.

Left alone without this realisation of love's truest form, we'll fall short in trying to "cure" our loneliness - even if we have all the romance in the world. It's said that King Solomon, who had a thousand romantic affiliations in his lifetime, named the phenomenon meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

If you want more than just hot air, you must focus your life and look to the soul. Sex is an important communicator between a couple in a loving relationship, and I liken twin flame sex to tantric sex, because it's sex with soul. But sex without soul is an empty vessel that drains you - and loneliness is like that, too.

Of course if you're feeling lonely in a loving relationship, then it could be a different type of loneliness. Because like love, loneliness can take on different forms. But if love is the answer to loneliness, why do some "happily" married people feel lonely?

Not without a true understanding of love, can we really love others, that's why we have to learn to love ourselves while we are single. This will prepare us for when we find our true love - it will even helps us attract it - but first we must bring some soul into our lives.

Click here for things to do when single.

Our soul needs loving - and possibly that's the real cause for the deep longing beyond love described by Lawrence: the love we need for ourselves.

Can it be, in fact, the very reason why most of us have an aching heart, especially those who sleep around, because we long to be connected with our own soul? I think it is.

And once we understand that those who need attention are longing to truly love themselves, the picture becomes clear. They can't believe they can love themselves, so they look for others to do it for them. And the longing they feel is like the longing for true love - it's a feeling of homesickness. That's why finding yourself, and finding true love, is like coming home.

Thinking of you with love,

Focus Your Life on Love

“Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars; to be satisfied with your possessions but not content with yourself until you have made the best of them; to despise nothing in the world except falsehood and meanness, and to fear nothing except cowardice; to be governed by you admirations rather than by your disgusts; to covet nothing that is your neighbour’s except his kindness of heart and gentleness of manners; to think seldom of your enemies, often of your friends...and to spend as much time as you can with body and with spirit. These are the little guideposts on the footpaths to peace.”
— Henry Van Dyke

I often ask my girlfriends, how often do you look at the world around you and wish you could change it? The truth is, any change you want to manifest starts with you. But when you look within, can you feel your potential? If not, what changes can you make about your beliefs and your inner dialogue, which you carry out with yourself each day?

Achieving to turn your negatives into positives is not easy; you need to work from the inside, out. Decide on happiness first, and make it a way of travel, not a destination you're trying to reach. Fully appreciate what you have; don't focus on what you don't, because you can get addicted to sadness. Too many people think that "things" they receive and own will make them happy. but the best things in life aren't things at all. The truth is, those with everything are often the most unsatisfied individuals out there!

In times of crisis, I say to myself: This is your life. Your ONLY life. What you do with each minute matters. You must make every moment count. You must take every opportunity to knock down what stands in the way of the life you dream about and deserve. Knock down the barriers. Build the tunnel that connects your dreams with reality.

Now, you may wonder how to achieve this. Firstly, get busy loving. Let love be the force that drives you. Even if you're single. Because you don't need to be romantically involved to have love in your life.

Let love be the driving force in your life

Many of us, when we think of love, will usually first think of romantic love. For example Valentine's Day, the day we've given to love, is generally celebrated with this in mind. We define love in terms of the pleasure we feel, the materials we see, something that arouses our emotions and even the touching of our sensualities and hormones – something sexual, or spiritual, a fluttering of the heart. It's the major subject of most books and films. Expressions of romantic love now dominate pop songs, pulp fiction, films and TV dramas.

And romantic love is a beautiful thing. It draws hearts together, changes lives, and is the foundation of family. But paramount as the role of romantic love is in our lives, when single people fall into the trap of thinking it's the only type of love out there, all that does is help feed into the hype of single people as stereotypical lonely individuals, bitter against those who have partners, seeking to isolate ourselves from the world as though they're not worthy of being loved.

Conjure up the image of the lonely guy or gal in the movies; you know the one, who feels Valentine's Day was made against him or her, and spends the entire day shut away in bed, or drowning his or her sorrows in a large bottle of red wine.

Lonely people can get like that. But being single doesn't necessarily have to mean you're lonely. It's important to avoid glamorising relationships because people stuck in wrong ones can be lonely, too. It's also important to realise that having a boyfriend or girlfriend does not take away problems that you may already have in your life. And love is more than your libido. There are different types of love - the love between friends, the love for your parents, the passion you have for an interest or in your work. If you start focusing on the love already apparent in your life, other forms of love will find you out, because you won't be hiding yourself away.

Eventually you'll find yourself knocking down all obstacles in your path – no matter how big they are. They can all be broken down to insignificant pieces of gravel with the support of your friends, your parents, and your passions. Knock down the walls between your dreams with the force of love.

Of course, it won't happen overnight. You'll have to work at it. You'll have to plan. But you also have to believe in yourself. You have to have hope. No one can take away your belief in yourself or the hope you can have for a better future unless you let them. Consider what sage and philosopher Epictetus is quoted to have said:

Do you think anybody can damage your soul? I laugh at those who think that they can damage me. They do not know who I am. They do not know what I think. They cannot even touch the things which are really mine and with which I live.

Dare to hope when all seems bleak. Hope is what will keep you going to create the life you dream about and deserve. It's hope that drives you - that leverage inside that the naysayers and doubters can't get to, that they can't touch. It's yours as long as you believe.

Let love lift your soul

The second focus, is one that will happen as a direct result of bringing more love into your life - it will lift your soul.

Harnessing love to our mind set will mean that gradually our soul is being elevated, no matter how and who we love, and this in turn will mean that we attract situations, people, and experiences in our lives that reflect who we are and what we focus on. Negativity about being single will only mirror, magnify, and attract more negativity.

Eventually, when we accept love in our lives in all its forms, it will provide people for us to love and who love us in return. And if we love our soul, our soul takes care of us, regardless of how we appear to others.

Be aware, too, that love honours us when we honour our soul by celebrating our personal authenticity. Love gives us the strength to insist that we have an obligation to the world and to our soul, to become our best selves. We can do this by taking charge of our single status, and crafting it into being the most meaningful and fulfilling time of our life by aligning it to a life vision of self-improvement and purpose.

Ultimately, if we put the time we're single to good use, it will be time well spent. Don't waste it moping! Being single provides us with many opportunities for self-growth, fun, and preparing for our life partner when we eventually meet him or her. Take advantage of this crucial time in your life to accomplish your life goals, improve your self-esteem, work through any internalised phobias you may be struggling with, and build your interpersonal skills. Appreciate this time of your life and don't measure your happiness, or worth as a person, on your relationship status.

Love life, and life will love you back. Believe in yourself to find yourself. Then be true to yourself. And be happy with who you are. Because it's not who you are that holds you back but who you think you're not.

Lovingly yours,