When Love Falls Silent

“Extensive research has shown that the average human speaks over 7,000 words a day. Some believe that words (and numbers) carry such powerful energy that, if used correctly, they can positively transform your life. A kind word, a cruel word, we can feel its impact keenly. The words we use or hear can even improve your posture, release stress and gain more confidence. And if there’s a goal you’re trying to reach, a pattern that you’re trying to break or a skill you’re looking to improve, learning how to use words to enhance any area of your life is believed to have helped many in need. Whatever you believe, it's true the words we use each day can have an astonishingly positive impact on our lives - if we learn how to use them correctly.”
— Mickie Kent

Listen. Where are you reading this right now? Focus on your surroundings. Are you in a quiet room of your house? In the subdued atmosphere of a library? In the brimming bustle of an open public space? What is it you hear?

What you hear is phenomenal. Each sound, like each word, has its own power and vibration because of the meaning it carries; even its absence. When sounds fall quiet, when our words stop, something will inevitably come to fill its vacuum - colours, images, our thoughts fill a silent moment, or continue what words fail to elucidate.

The underlying meanings continue. For their absence would mean a deeper vacuum. It would mean the very absence of self. And every time you neglect yourself or you're not true to yourself or you don't face your fears, you could be energetically dying, without even knowing it.

They say this energetic form of death arises when you have a job that breaks your spirit, or when you stay in an unhealthy relationship. Basically, every time you're not true to yourself or don't face your fears, it's believed you're energetically dying a little bit. Like absences of meaning - it's unnatural - and yet this vacuum is becoming more prominent in our lives.

You can hear it in the words we use with each other and ourselves. It's a prime indicator of how much meaning we have in our lives. Listen to yourself today as you interact with your loved ones. Focus on the words you use. Be aware of your internal chatter, and the words you unconsciously have chosen to use in a conversation with your subconscious.

"Today I will make a list. I will focus on my goals. I won't waste time on social media. I will make things happen."

Does this sounds familiar? Today came and went. You didn't make a list. There are no ticks on your checklist. You may have wasted hours of your life on social media. You have achieved little. Your goals and ambitions remain unfulfilled and you vow to do better tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes and goes. Nothing changes. You start to feel like a failure and mentally beat yourself up for your inability to just get on with it. Before you know it, you are berating yourself for past failures too.

The cycle continues and you find yourself locked in the merry-go-round of negativity. You desperately want to get off and find a way to move forwards, calming and with purpose. But have you listened to your choice of words? And what they mean? Or how they make you feel? Whenever there's a public disaster why do we wait for a speech from those we elect? To help give us meaning. What they say, how they say it, can help form the current mood.

"Things never go right. If only I could get a grip."

Ever wonder why you can't move forward? In today's 24/7 culture, it is easy to fall victim to the many distractions available to us. Social media, online shopping, satellite TV - they all help us to create diversions from the tasks we really need to complete. The constant mind chatter of what ifs, maybes, should haves and shouldn't haves are constantly hijacking your attention (and your mood) - yet there is an even greater force preventing you from focusing on what you need to do.

Not only is this greater force preventing you from achieving your personal best, it is actively destroying your ability to live in the moment and enjoy life. That's greater force is your own mind. And part of its positive armoury are the words we consciously choose to formulate with it. They are also the weapons with the destructive means to dent it.

"I just can't seem to concentrate on anything. I'm so anxious. All I ever do is worry. It stops me from getting on with stuff."

Do you wish you could switch off that inner negative voice? Does this sound like you? Take some time out and try this simple experiment... Sit down. Switch off your phone and any other form of technology. Allow yourself just two minutes to focus on your breathing. How many times did your mind wander away from your breathing? Maybe you heard a noise and couldn't resist the urge to find out what it was? Perhaps a colleague or friend said something to annoy you and you found yourself brooding about it. Quite possibly, you just felt impatient, restless or bored.

You probably found this task more difficult than you thought it would be. You discover with the 2 minute breathing exercise that focusing the mind on one task isn't easy. Our minds are so overloaded; we struggle to switch off for the shortest time. But listen to the space you are reading this in right now. Focus on your surroundings. What is it you hear? More specifically what words can you hear going around your brain? Are you worried about something currently? Do you find yourself thinking: "I don't know what will happen if...?"

Visualise a situation where you have to raise a difficult issue or ask for something. Maybe you want to ask a favour of an acquaintance or ask your boss for a promotion. Your imagination take on a life of its own as you imagine yourself engaged in conversation with that person. You may feel anxious or angry as you think about what will happen - you just know what they will say to you. You may even enjoy imagining your response as you play the whole scenario out in your head - fantasising about how you will respond to their criticism or refusal. As the curtain comes down on the final scene, you decide that you won't ask them after all. It was a silly idea. It would never have worked out.

Now take a step back. Do you really know what would have happened? Would that person have reacted in the way you imagined? Maybe their response would have been different (and more positive) to how you assumed it would be. Most of us can probably relate to this. It all sounds harmless enough, until you imagine how many missed opportunities occur because of the way your own imagination has worded and rejected the possibility that things could have worked out differently. Your negative thought process has hoodwinked you into believing that good things can't happen to you; that things will never change. Suddenly, it doesn't sound harmless at all.

This is the point when negative speaking/thinking becomes serious. It is at this point which the negative inner voice can wreak the worst damage, adversely affecting your health and well-being. If you have ever suffered a similar episode, you will know it is difficult to overcome. When you hit that moment where your mood is starting to lift, ingrained thought processes and negative behaviours can limit your ability to recover. Worse still, you can find yourself slipping into depressive episodes heightened anxiety states.

Wake the mind to the power of words

To defend against "mental darkness" and its vacuum, in my post "Love is Not What You Think" I write that we have to awaken the mind by concious focusing - and being aware of the words we use is an important part of that. When we wake the mind to the power of words, we wake the mind WITH the power of words.

And when unwanted thoughts and negative behaviour patterns are holding you back from personal happiness and fulfilment, there is a way forward. The practice of mindfulness, a meditative practice with Buddhist roots, is a very popular form of concious focusing. It's one way which can help you regain control. Through mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MCBT), and its counterpart mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR), you can identify negative thoughts and behaviours and learn strategies to combat them.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness isn't just a new, trendy buzzword. It isn't merely the 'in thing' for new age therapists or the latest fad being offered offices and schools. Mindfulness is a very real, accessible technique that you can learn. It is a technique, an understanding, which enables you to take control and move your life forward; helping you to set yourself free from the negative cycle but stops you enjoying life to the full.

It is suitable for people from all walks of life. The common thread that links them is a desire to take control and banish the effects of negative thought processes and behaviours - so they can enjoy life, here and now, as it really is.

Why do we need mindfulness?

Paying attention to just one thing is challenging. We are simply not used to it. We very rarely focus on one thought or task at a time. Our thoughts take over. Often our minds are on autopilot, randomly bringing up negative experiences and thoughts from the past - plunging our present into disarray. Missed opportunities, strained relationships and unfulfilled personal goals are just some of the undesirable outcomes of our own negative thoughts patterns.

Be mindful in all that you can do and you will learn how to be. In doing so mindfulness can benefit you in many ways. It can bring increase motivation and a sharper focus on tasks. It can help you live in the here and now. There will be no more dwelling on the past. It will give you increased ability to make decisions and take action. It will help you switch off from unpleasant thoughts and focus on the present moment.

It will give you the freedom from negative behaviours that hold you back in various aspects of your life. It will help you feel successful and in control. It will help you achieve your goals. You will feel at ease with yourself and pat yourself on the back at the end of the day. You'll find yourself with him happy relationships and collaborations and with increased happiness, health and well-being.

However, some argue the growing popularity of mindfulness conceals a dark truth society must confront. Emma Barnett, writing for The Telegraph, has called it "the saddest trend of 2015" after failing in her quest to achieve mental peace. But mindfulness isn't the Hollywood multi-billion dollar industry it's become. It's not simply focusing on breathing, or spending hours trying to be mindfully quiet. Mindfulness is understanding; it's not falling into a stupor, quite the opposite, it's an abrupt awakening.

It's exactly this snack-sized approach that won’t sort people out - and which Barnett is right to complain about. It will only ever be a sticking plaster if the root cause of the stress isn't being addressed. Proper mindfulness allows for the right arena in which to do that. It is what the Buddhist version of mindfulness teaches - a moral and ethical world view - an understanding of everything seen through a concious focus that awakens us to our responsibilities. For, it is our lives and how we lead them that really needs to change if we are to improve our mental well-being.

The thinking that works is this: Change your words, change your life. It is our words that need changing. It's up to you how you pronounce them. It's a choice. It's said the legend of rock and roll began when Elvis Presley was persuaded a guitar would make a better birthday present than a rifle as a young teen. Likewise the difference between a democracy and a tyrannical system are the choices made in power.

Thus we need to consciously select, and mindfully think before speaking. The words we misuse, the labels we unthinkingly, unfeelingly attach - and really should ditch - are all leading us closer to a vacuum of meaning.

Before we trip over the edge, it's time to take a step back. Listen. Consciously focus. What do you hear? For when the words stop, love - and the meaning it gives to our lives - shouldn't fall silent.

Yours in love,

Has Your Love Bubble Burst?

“What’s your prediction for the year ahead? Will it be fulfilling and extraordinary? Or unprofitable and plain? Imagine for a moment it’s December 31st of 2015 and you’re thinking back to the beginning of the year. When you think of everything you’ve accomplished, you feel SO happy that 2015 was finally THE year that you made the decision to give yourself the kind of life you’d always dreamed of… It was a year where everything took a turn for the better and it was the start of many, many great things to come. Will this be what you’ll be thinking at the end of this year? If not, then how can you ensure it is?”
— Mickie Kent

Let me begin this post on finding direction and purpose with a story on existence: There is a belief that reality consists of three "bubbles" of existence. Imagine that our universe is a bubble. This is bubble one. This bubble universe seems complete and always expanding. Inside this vast, near-infinite universe, bubble two is our one tiny planet Earth, an ideal platform for life as we know it thus far.

Encompassing both bubbles many believe is a third, were its vibratory dimensions have become known in religious circles as heaven and hell, and in spiritual and psychic circles, as the etheric and astral planes. These planes exist inside this third bubble, but are not visible with the human interface or physical senses.

External to the other two bubbles of existence, this third bubble is seen by some as another more vast universe or dimension of existence from which our life essence originated from prior to its insertion into bubble one and two, and so not only encompasses us from without, but within, too. Some believe that everyone's life is pre-programmed in this third bubble, and searching for their purpose means discovering that programme and following it.

Some of us don't believe in the existence of this third bubble and believe looking for purpose in it is the root cause of our disillusionment. On the opposite end, others wholly eschew the physicality of the second bubble, point to the vastness of the first as proof to something greater, the third, and look for purpose on platforms we can't physically see or easily comprehend on the temporal plane or bubble.

A few believe that all three bubbles are in fact one and equal, and it's the concepts of division in material form that makes our life purpose so elusive to some of us. The purpose or meaning we seek in life isn't about looking for it solely in one bubble or the other, but harmonising all three in modes of connection that skip over superficial dividing lines.

Balancing our mind, body and soul within the micro (inner/spiritual) and macro (outer/temporal) world is believed by some to be the way to connect with the third bubble and channel its purpose into the other two. Mindful meditation, physical well-being, and some notion of a bigger divine perspective tying it all together is the journey that many believe will help give us purpose, or bring us the clarity to discover it.

For the less esoteric and more pragmatic among us, this attempt can be translated as: How can we use our time on this planet more meaningfully? Being physically and psychologically fit will help us in this, but we also need to discover in what way the word "meaningfully" resonates individually with us. If we are unique, then the key to what is meaningful to us will be in exploring that uniqueness.

What makes you tick across the platforms of your mind (or bubble one), body (bubble two) and soul (bubble three)? What resonates in all three? What unifies them? In this way, searching for our authentic self, by using our core values and likes and dislikes as cues, we can work out what we need to do to bring purpose into our life. It will be different for each individual.

Regardless of where you stand right now in life, it’s never too late to wake up and start creating your future. If this is YOU and you need help deciding what you’ll do for the rest of your life, then here are 3 very simple questions you need to ask yourself today to discover what your biggest dream in life is:

Q 1. What values are most important to you? I.e.: family, health, freedom, love, achievement… etc. Pick your top 3 and prioritise.
Q 2. What’s your gift? Are you good with people, organizing, solving problems, cooking, teaching? What have people complimented you on most consistently?
Q 3. What are you most passionate about? If you’re having a problem defining this, list all of the moments in your life that have been the most joyful or meaningful. Maybe it was when you were caring for a child, exploring a new place, or finishing a project.

Whatever your dream is, make sure it is one that excites you and motivates you enough to overcome obstacles like procrastination and fear.

This is also true for the well-being of our bodies and minds. There is no one diet or food regimen that will suit everybody. For example, dieting according to your metabolic rate would generally mean eating more (intake of protein) and exercising more (in intense short bursts), but this could be dangerous advice for some of us.

Consequently when things seem to "fail" for us, we say life has knocked us down, when it could be just don't know ourselves well enough to achieve what we really want. If you've ever felt like giving up on your dreams, or you feel your bubble has burst, it could just be you're searching for something outside of it. Thus it's important to allow yourself to hope, to believe and to trust again, and not to let any bad experience stop you from living your best life.

Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one. Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. Our self-respect tracks our choices. Every time we act in harmony with our authentic self and our heart, we earn our respect. It is that simple. Every choice matters.

Because when your fire goes out, we shouldn't blame the direction of the wind. Look to what fuels your fire to get you to where you want to be in life. This will also fuel you to take motivated and inspired action, and to devise your own unique tips and insights on how to use your brain, body and spirit as your main source of energy and power. It will help you use ALL your life experiences (perceived as "good" or "bad") to live a more purposeful life by inspiring and teaching you about yourself in a more enhanced and constructive way.

If you're still struggling to make your dreams come true or making really slow and painful progress toward achieving them, then you really need to wisely tune into what feels right for you and do something about finding your true purpose in life. And when you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us - the reality of our existence starts from there.

Yours in love,

The Outlook of Love

“My grandmother always used to say that a loving outlook was the cure to all ills. I agree. Most of our ills stem from an absence of a loving outlook. We need to start viewing our bodies, our lives, and the world we share as a loved one.”
— Mickie Kent

Life doesn't come with ready-made answers. This is something we come to realise in January, the month of good intentions, than any other time. Our life stories feel like TV dramas that just don't end right. As the festive mood fades away we are left having eaten too much and feeling a little less full in the pocket and the heart. And when things don't go our way, we tend to release our anger or frustration in an unhealthy way.

Part of the problem is the concept of "life purpose" itself. The idea that we were each born for some higher purpose and it's now our cosmic mission to find it. In fact, there are many people that are not clear on what their dreams are, and unfortunately, sometimes not having a dream or a specific goal in life, can lead to an unfulfilled path. But here's the truth: We exist on this earth for some undetermined period of time. During that time we do things. Some of these things are important. Some of them are unimportant. And those important things give our lives meaning and happiness. The unimportant ones basically just kill time.

So when people say, "What should I do with my life?" or "What is my life purpose?" what they're actually asking is: "What can I do with my time that is important?" This is an infinitely better question to ask, or rather a better outlook to have. It's far more manageable and it doesn't have all of the baggage that the "life purpose" question might do. It also makes things less stressful.

Stress is a formidable threat to happiness - when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer. Studies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus - an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small "arms" that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons.

Just think: This is the kind of toxicity we're faced with when we drown in disappointment. And it creates two types of people. Those unaware of the negative impact that they have on themselves and those around them, and those who seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people's buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and, worst of all, stress.

This stress skews our outlook, and consequently our reactions to life's challenges. Remember, even though it's not possible to change a situation that's occurred in the past or in the now, you can always control how you react to it and that is what will determine your overall happiness. Many of the negative thoughts and feelings you have are nothing more than a mere reflection of your past, projected into the present moment.

In the world today, the outlook feels a dreary one for this exact same reason. And we are met with prime examples in quick succession. There is no "but" about what happened at Charlie Hebdo this week. Some people published some cartoons in Paris, and some other people killed them for it. The cartoons at the heart of the violence are racist and offensive, but the response to them was double-fold.

Most democracies would not find someone expressing an opinion shocking - words and pictures can be beautiful or vile, pleasing or enraging, inspiring or offensive; but they exist on a different plane from physical violence, whether you want to call that plane spirit or imagination or culture, and to meet them with violence is an offence against the spirit and imagination and culture that distinguish humans.

Likewise, for the last decade and a half the United States, backed to varying degrees by the governments of other Western countries, has rained violence and destruction on the Arab and Muslim world with a ferocity that has few parallels in the history of modern warfare, leaving Iraq, Gaza and Afghanistan shattered and hundreds of thousands of human beings dead. Not twelve. Hundreds of thousands. All with stories, with lives, with families. Tens of millions who have lost friends, family, homes and watched their country be torn apart. You might be shocked to know that toddlers with guns killed more Americans in 2013 than any terrorist attack, and it's been said that most victims of terrorism are Muslim. Who will walk in protest for them?

One of the founding members of Charlie Hebdo has even accused its slain editor, Patrick Charbonnier, or Charb, of "dragging the team" to their deaths by releasing increasingly provocative cartoons, as five million copies of the "survivors’ edition" went on sale. It seems the PR worked - all too horribly well. For those who walked in protest of the Hebdo murders may have done so under the misguided belief it's for freedom of expression, but in honesty it was in confirmation of a century or more of Western colonial policies that through blood and iron have consigned all but a tiny few among the population of the Arab world to poverty and hopelessness.

Not to even mention the brutal rule of French colonialism in Algeria, and its preparedness to murder hundreds of thousands of Algerians and even hundreds of French-Algerian citizens in its efforts to maintain the remnants of empire. The protests and Hebdo selling spree (and its profitable outfall) is a slap in the face of the ongoing poverty, ghettoisation and persecution endured by the Muslim population of France, which is mostly of Algerian origin.

Does this excuse the Hebdo murders? Of course not. It doesn't even provide a reasonable explanation. It does, however, show that we are all bereaved human beings. And unless we change our outlook, the world may indeed be destroyed under our inhumane reactions. It really is a case of swings and roundabouts. It's well documented, for example, Britain's treatment of Irish prisoners during the seventies became the benchmark for American torture in the Middle East. The torture methods developed by the British Army deemed acceptable set a precedent.

We now live in a world where terror suspects are arrested every day in the United Kingdom to combat the rising threat of the Islamic state to itself and Europe. Prosecutors have said the British frontman of a Syrian terror group is one of the most violent extremists to ever return to the UK, as he was jailed for 12 years. Meanwhile, as Germany's "anti-Islamisation" movement centred in Dresden, Pegida, spreads to the UK and other European countries since the Paris attacks - it feels like the set-up for a huge confrontation between fascism and fundamentalism.

And it's not the only confrontation on the horizon. In Brussels and other European capitals, the fear of Vladimir Putin is becoming palpable. The mood has changed in a matter of weeks to one of foreboding with claims that Putin is acting like a tyrant. The Ukraine crisis started with differences, which became a conflict, which became a war, and which now risks becoming total war. This calls for a shift in awareness, and a consciousness of the imbalance we have created and continue to perpetuate by our disproportionate reactions. And when life is serious we need to get less serious.

As a species we can be bold and imaginative or bullying and fearful. To lesser or larger degrees, we all go back and forth on the extreme ends of the human spectrum. The key is to find a way to maintain a balanced outlook. According to many ancient traditions, the key to looking good and feeling great is balance in the four main areas of life: body, mind, spirit and space. This includes not just the foods we eat, but how we spend our time in activity, both physical and mental, our relationships, our environment, and so on.

This is why so many January diets fall at the first hurdle. They are less about balance and more about the determination to starve. Starve the body of essential nourishment. Starve the mind of exuberance and wit. Starve the spirit of joy and contentment. This leaves us malnourished in mind, body and soul - further disconnected and imbalanced, mirrored by our reactions to life's challenges.

This paves the way for stress, and for uncertainty over finding purpose in our lives. It leaves our hearts energetically sickened, too weak to bring its perspective to our lives. To awaken the heart to this imbalance, not only is it important to learn about self-acceptance and self-love, but also to identify and release what's hurting us emotionally. And we need to build more on togetherness to find more of the feelgood. Because when we are living through times where animals can teach us a thing or two about our humanity, then it's time for a re-think.

But as complex as our lives may get, the answer is increasingly simple. The great balancer in life is love, we just need to let it do its thing. We need to use its outlook to formulate our own, to boldly fly in the face of our fears as we hold on, ever tightly, to each other and what makes us human.

Yours in love,