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We discovered in part one of this mini-series that tantra is much more than simply the art of giving and receiving pleasure, it's a living science - an ancient yet vibrant spiritual science.
Read about the science of twin flames.
Tantric practice is considered unique in that it takes the whole person into account. Other spiritual traditions ordinarily teach that desire for worldly pleasures and spiritual aspirations are mutually exclusive, setting the stage for an endless internal struggle. Although most people are drawn to spiritual beliefs and practices, they have a natural urge to fulfil their worldly desires. With no way to reconcile these two impulses, they fall prey to guilt and self-condemnation or they become hypocritical, or both.
Therein lies a powerful energy generator, according to the tantric sex tradition - but as discussed in the first part to this series, the path does not end at just physical pleasure. Imagine feeling volts of electricity surging in your sexual area, which you could direct to your heart to feel more love - or to your mind for mind-blowing orgasms that last endlessly and put you in a state of complete joy and bliss.
Mind-blowing orgasms? Make that mind-healing. Some studies claim that sex has a positive impact on the mind - listing seven different chemical reactions that the brain undergoes during intercourse which improve its functioning ability. For instance, while the post-coital rise in serotonin levels aids both creative thinking and calm, logical decision-making, raised levels of oxytocin - or the "trust" hormone - during sex increase a person's readiness to think of novel or risky solutions to a problem.
Click here for more on oxytocin.
Orgasms are better than crosswords in keeping the mind young, with body-based pleasure such as laughter, involvement, satisfaction and sex all said to enable the mind to perform well. They are touted as a headache remedy since it's associated with the release of a vasodilating gas called nitric oxide. Participants experience a large increase in cognitive fitness, too, especially in later years, proving that healing through orgasms is possible - and not just your mind.
Preventing heart disease could be as easy as spending more time between the sheets with your partner. One study found than men who reported having three or more orgasms a week experienced 50% fewer strokes and heart attacks than men who didn't, while sex has also been shown to trigger the release of a hormone called DHEA, which helps relax arteries and improve circulation. Having more sex is a fun way to love your heart in more ways than one, and an orgasm a day could keep the doctor away.
Orgasms are good for you: the official statsCouples who have regular sex are happier, healthier and more energetic than their less intimate counterparts. Sex releases endorphins and a brain chemical called PEA - both make us feel light-hearted. Levels of the hormone oxytocin rise by about 500% during sex - making us feel relaxed.Regular, satisfying sex boosts the immune system. We have fewer colds, lustrous hair, clean, bright eyes, good muscle tone, great skin - and it does burn calories! Around 80 calories per intercourse session.
Good sex is a natural anti-depressant and there is evidence it helps us to live longer. Orgasm boosts mental and physical immunity, wards off colds and infections and sexually active people are less prone to depression and suicide. Regular sex not only makes you look younger, orgasms could be life-extending because of the effects on the heart and immune system.
We've even given it a national day: every July the 31st we celebrate National Orgasm Day, which means we should be celebrating with an Olympian heptathlon of between-the-sheets action.
But will you be faking it? A survey by leading lingerie firm Ann Summers last year found that over half of British ladies (58%) admitted to having faked an orgasm at least once during a relationship.
And it's not just the women who are at it, either. An AskMen survey showed that one third - 34%, to be exact - of men admit faking an orgasm at least once, while according to the Ann Summers survey, 10% of men are also "regularly" faking orgasm - and getting away with it. The results show that just 16% of women have ever suspected their partner of faking it, compared to a shrewd 58% of men.
And putting a whole new turn on the 'smug married couple', 35% of married men admitted to faking (compared to half of single men), and just 12% of married women pretend in bed - compared to 59% of those in a relationship, and 28% of singletons.
In decoding our orgasms, we have to de-construct a lot of myths about sex, too. For instance, men need attention to orgasm, too. Due to a prevailing preconception about intimacy – that men require very little to be able to consummate, while women are more demanding - there is a myth that men don't need much prodding to get them across the line. This is a massive over-generalisation, but it's leaked into our conceptions of the bedroom.
The problem with this myth is that it's quite damaging to men who need more than the bare minimum to be able to finish. If you’re expected to do all the work to please your "more demanding" partner, while they think they don't need to worry too much about pleasing you, you're going to lose out. News flash: men need attention to orgasm, too, else they will fake it, just like women do.
Click here for 12 secrets to better orgasms.
But it's more than about feeling sexy again. If you don't use it, you could lose it. The Journal of the American Medical Association reports that sexual dysfunction, often considered worse in women than in men, can lead to a lowered sense of well-being that negatively affects the relationships with our sex partners, and can contribute to the disintegration of the family.
Sex is good for your body, your mental health and your relationship because it makes us feel connected to another person. And feeling loved and accepted and attractive is central to our happiness.
Sexual disorders not only take the fun out of sex, but better sex also leads to greater energy, more creativity, increased confidence, less depression and improved overall health.
For her:
According to University of Virginia researchers, orgasms boost levels of the female sex hormone oestrogen, which improves your mood. It also releases endorphins, the body's natural painkillers and depression fighters. Menstrual cramps and PMT disappear!They help you sleep. Oxytocin makes you feel sleepy. Men drift off two to five minutes after orgasm, women usually fall asleep 20-30 minutes later (hence the 'Why does he abandon me immediately after sex' question. Answer: it's biological!).
They make you less stressed. Twenty minutes of intercourse releases the lust-enhancing hormone dopamine, triggering a relaxation response which lasts up to two hours.
The quickest, most efficient way for a woman to orgasm is using a vibrator solo. British research found 71% of a popular magazine's readers own one and, according to most sex therapists, they remain the most reliable source of orgasms for most women worldwide.
They bond you to your partner. The hormone oxytocin promotes feelings of intimacy, and jumps to five times its normal level during climax.
Similarly, in group studies rates of enjoyment of sexual activity (e.g., "enjoyed it very much") were higher in relationships (81%) compared to hookups (50%).For him:
A longer life: men who have two or more orgasms a week tend to live significantly longer than those who have only one or none.Healthy hearts: men who have three or more orgasms a week are 50% less likely to die from heart failure or coronary heart disease.
Good health: having sex once or twice a week also fights off flu and other viruses by strengthening the immune system.
The table above shows the relation between the number of orgasms and death. Men had fewer orgasms as their age increased.
But whether you believe in science-backed theory or the sacredness of spirituality, sacred sex the tantric way involves the practice of various meditations and exercises (including yoga) to arouse and channel tremendous energy within the body, cycle that energy with a partner, and send it out into the world. It is intended for personal fulfilment, interpersonal intimacy, and connection to the entire world of beings. The energy generated by tantric sex can be used for either pleasure intended for blissful enlightenment or for healing.
This form of relationship is the healthy and mature ideal to strive for as a fully functioning adult relationship, and it need not necessarily diminish the urgency and fiery passions that we wrongly imagine can only come with young love. At it's core, tantra is a body of teachings and practices that use energy to lead to a high state of bliss and enlightenment, while tantric sex applies the teachings of tantra to the sexual union in order to reach these high states.
At the peak or in the valley?
In our misunderstanding of the orgasm we have lent it mythical status, but tantra works as a myth-buster when it comes to the mysteries of sex. Tantra teaches us that the orgasm is a route to these states, but it's not the only way, and sometimes withholding the orgasm entirely can create higher states of spiritual sensation. The reason for this is that there is more than one type of orgasm, namely the peak and valley orgasms.
The peak orgasm is the one that we most often experience during conventional sex. It is the one that we look for, and chase for while having sex. To arrive at it we usually need to invest a lot of physical effort. It involves a lot of energy build up, tension in the body and repeated mechanical movements. Because of the tension, the energy gets stuck in the genital area. It's duration is measured in seconds. The energy is discharged down and out of the body.
The very pleasurable feelings in the body while the energy is released are most often followed by a sensation of lost energy. And the desire to continue disappears. The man might feel angry, restless or disconnected from his woman. The woman might feel abandoned, lonely, sad or depressed. We get stuck into the "peak orgasm" mode, and this is unhealthy in the long run. Although sometimes it can be used for release, experienced through "quickie sex" sessions, ultimately unless these are the exceptions in your love life, your love life will be in danger of extinction.
The valley orgasm, on the other hand, is one experienced by people who have been exploring a tantric approach for years, and it comes from relaxation. It involves less doing, and more feeling and being in the moment. There is no chasing the orgasm to its peak. Every moment is enjoyed for itself. The movements are very slow so the bodies are relaxed. As a result of there being no tension, the energy is free to expand in other parts of the body.
When the man is in this "valley" during sexual encounters, he can achieve strong, continuous full-body orgasms previously unattainable through conventional sexual techniques, too. Male enthusiasts describe these as "super" orgasms, so earth-shattering it's different from a traditional penile (or peak) orgasm - it is characterised by pleasure starting from the lower abdomen that leaves the entire body awash in a state of bliss.
The man may also not ejaculate during this super-orgasm. This means there is no "recharging" or "time out" period needed during lovemaking. Through tantric practice, a man can have these orgasms, one after the other during sessions lasting for an hour or more at a time. Even short sessions can feel long because tantric lovemaking can make you lose all track and sense of time. This type of orgasm's duration can be anything from a few moments to a few hours. It's more a sustained state, a timeless experience without a specific start or finish.
To get the full benefits of practised tantra, those with busy work lives may not have enough time for long protracted tantric sessions (although I seriously advise you make time) but with enough practice, you can even have tantra "quickie" sessions where your bodies have become so attuned that they lock themselves into the route that leads to the valley, rather than a quick run up to the peak.
The peak really is a gender based orgasm, the valley doesn't focus on gender, but the spiritual energies within us. This is what is is tantrically meant by the terms masculine and feminine, and we all have these coiled energies waiting for expression within us. Tantra teaches us that sexuality is individual – and complex - in everybody, and is the ultimate guide to our sexual education. Just think, where did we get our sexual education from before? Thus, it will take a lot of unlearning to be able learn the tantric way of lovemaking.
And for advanced tantric practitioners, as they begin making love, they do something unusual. They forget about the orgasm. Although tantra also works to increase the male sex drive and harmonise it with the female's, during tantric evocations some partners forget they are having sex and focus on breath work and building intimacy between their bodies to channel their energies between each other.
Read about the ways of mindful sex.
I've already tried this and I can tell you I've noticed a huge interior transformation. By forgetting about orgasm, there is no more pressure, no more chasing, no more tension in the body. Thus, at a deeper level, tantra removes the focus from off sex. Tantric practice works to make us realise that sex is integral to a relationship, but it doesn't make a relationship. Put another way, sex can be the glue, but you won't necessarily come unstuck if you need to skip it now and then because you'll have transcended beyond the mere act.
How tantric sex frees your mind, body, and soulAs in any meditative practice, a crucial key to achieving the wonderful benefits of tantric sex is to quiet the mind; there are many methods of doing this. Tantric sex is mindful in that you pay attention to what you're doing in the exchange between you and your partner. Being mindful induces a sense of respect and reverence for the experience, which lends itself to honouring each other as god and goddess, to awaken and worship the god and goddess in you.
Achieving bliss is a major goal in tantric sex, and its practice works at removing the psychological, physical and emotional blocks to bliss. Consistent with mindfulness - but not at all contradictory - is the goal of tantric sex to get out of your mind and release your body. Through this kind of release you can freely express yourself and feel deep states of love outside of sexual pleasure that touch your soul.
So what is tantric sex? It can be any and all of the following:
➤ Achieving a balance between male and female energies within the self and with a partner.
➤ Sexuality that directs energy toward free expression breaks barriers internally and interpersonally. This is attained by elevating sex acts into a divine practice and uniting as beloveds for whom every touch and movement is considered a divine gift.
➤ Aligning with another being and with the world through divine sexual experience.
➤ Celebrating sexual union as an honoring of all beings and creation.
➤ Practices that liberate the soul to experience the highest levels of bliss.
We must give a word of caution here, however, that we shouldn't get so carried away in the pursuit of bliss we forget the goal behind the practice of tantric sex is the attainment of wisdom and enlightenment, and thus benefit our kind, not just individual pleasure.
Focusing too much on attaining pleasure will actually be a block to bliss if it's done without the higher purpose of tantra. However, when we utilise the power of its practice correctly we feel unified with ourselves, our partner and the world.
Keep in mind that a tantric sexual experience is not so much about sex as many of us think. Instead, the intimate act is merely one of many vehicles practitioners use to connect with the cosmic flow. Many believe that Western teachers who focus on boosting your sex life through tantra have it wrong - the emphasis should more appropriately be placed on boosting your enlightenment.
Connect with your love cells
“We often hear it said that sex sells, but I say what really pays real dividends are our "love cells". What I mean is that we need to see love at a cellular level. Something which is completely fundamental to our way of being; part of the will of life not just to procreate, but to appreciate and be the drive to bond and interact with all species of life, to afford life the dignity and sacredness it deserves just for being alive.”
— Mickie Kent (The Don't Fear Love Series)
Tantra - as with all yoga practice - can help you learn to love and accept yourself, but only if you embrace the true meaning of the practice. Focusing primarily on the physical body can actually exacerbate any pre-existing sexual and body issues you may have. You get hung up on your hang ups instead of experiencing true release. When pulled out of context, tantra can be just be a way to sweat and stretch to sexual prowess that can attract a mate, but this can keep us in a state of being "not enough", and tethered to whatever limitations we put around ourselves that we deem unacceptable.
But practised in the right spirit (pun intended) tantra can provide its adherents a great opportunity to create a safe place for their bodies to move beyond its limitations and experience wholeness with a trusting partner. Thus, when we use tantra to move beyond our physical fixations, we can feel better about what we look like and how we perceive our physical form. It will help us transform our relationship with our body, with our self and with our loved one. It helps you become allied to your body and to your lover's body, where you are not adversaries in sex or gender, but harmonious energies tuned into one another's unique frequencies - allowing you to appreciate the whole that has come together.
Indeed, the word yoga comes from yuj, a Sanskrit word meaning "to yoke". Instead of thinking of yoking as a way to force two things together, however, think of yoking as a way of consciously directing two seemingly disparate parts of yourself - your body and your mind must join together, instead of opposing one another - to consciously effect the transformation that tantra promises. This analogy works for the two bodies and two souls in a relationship, too, which must unify to transform the relationship into something that echoes the eternity of the spirit.
Changing the image of our bodiesYoga helps us not only physically change our bodies over time, but helps us change the negative image we have of our bodies. As women we can even quantify that negativity in numbers. Here are 6 facts about our body image:
- The percentage of all women who dislike their bodies is 90%
- The percentage of all junior and senior high school girls on a diet is 90%
- The percentage of these girls who are actually overweight is 15%
- The percentage of girls who would rather be mean or stupid than fat is 66%
- The amount spent on diet products each year is 100 billion
- The number of cosmetic procedures (surgical and non-surgical) performed in 2007 is 11 million
- The priority for weight concerns for women aged 61 to 92 comes in at number 1
Yoga challenges us to defy these numbers and keep showing up for ourselves every day. The inner strength you find through yoga can help create a close connection between your body and your mind - and your heart.
It can also make us more accepting of ourself and others. We feel we can rely on ourselves more to make better choices more in line with our integrity and core values, instead of just shutting down to experiences.
And because tantra forces you to pay attention to your body as a whole system, you'll feel a sense of "aliveness" all over your body in the realisation that you are not just arms, legs and sexual organs. You are an energy, an embodied spirit. And if you want that spirit to continue to shine, you need to take care of its expression by taking care of your body. The problem arises when we become solely body-centric and not soulfully body-centric, because we all need to get to know ourselves on a deeper level than the depth of our skin.
A disordered relationship with ourselves goes beyond the physical body and into the emotional realm. Often we can find ourselves bottling up and storing away our emotions - unexpressed shame, guilt, and vulnerability - behind an impenetrable wall of tension and stress. We try to avoid situations that can conceivably provoke conflict, but in life that isn't always possible. Especially if the conflict is work or relationship orientated.
You may find that related stress has compromised your sex drive, or the sexual drive of your partner. A low libido, obviously, not only causes psychological problems, but divorces you from a very special form of communication with yourself, and your trusting other, and lowers chances of an orgasm, too.
Loving your body, and becoming acquainted with it is an important factor in coming to orgasm for women certainly, and studies show that lesbians or women strongly experienced with the female form are likely to have more orgasms than their straight sisters. Such exploration is an important part of tantra, and becomes in many ways a mirror for us to see ourselves more clearly. It doesn't bypass our issues, it helps us shift perspective, and unite us with our heart, and embrace who we really are to ourselves and to one another.
With the stress, fluctuating hormones make everything so much worse, especially for men and women in their 40s, 50s, and beyond. From a physiological standpoint, tantra, like other yoga practices, takes care of the body by balancing the hormones and mitigating the stress we put it under - thus returning our libido to the body. When we don't feel soothed, we feel reactive, and several studies corroborate that yoga lowers cortisol levels and balances the nervous system.
Tantra allows the body to release tension and facilitates a space for emotional expression, and it also connects you to your breath - said to be the bridge between body and mind - and the breath of your partner to join you with his or her body and mind. Thus by placing our attention on the breath, facilitated through the power of touch, it can bring us even more in touch with our emotions. During sex this can manifest in amazing ways to bring new dimensions to your lovemaking, because you are making love with every fibre - every single cell - of your being.
If the mystic tenets of tantric sex sound new-agey to some, then even for practical purposes its central tenet of focused breathing will boost the sexual pleasure of the most hardened sceptic. For others, just learning how to breathe properly proves to be a great stress reliever in itself, and releasing that tension further with some mind-blowing sex can help to keep stress out of the bedroom and out of your life. It's often said that nothing cures daily anxiety quite like sex. It can be the lifeline needed to heal in difficult personal times, because it channels our healing sexual energies by using the breath as the journey to orgasm and beyond.
In tantric sex, you discover energy pathways in the body and concentrate on controlling the movement of that energy within those pathways. You interweave those energies with your partner to dissolve feelings of separation and to become united. But the glue that holds your relationship together is not the sex itself, it's the feeling of value that comes with focused attention.
With that focus, we can also turn sex into an art form. The essence of all art is giving pleasure in order to receive it. In its very essence, every time we have sex we are swapping souls, giving a piece of ourselves, and so the better the sex, the more effective the communication, the stronger these ties will bind us to our relationship. Remember finding your twin flame is not a guarantee of a relationship lasting. It takes work and effort as does anything in the real world.
True love is about caring enough to put in the work necessary to breathe life into a relationship on the physical plane, and sometimes that road to true love can be a long one. The effort must come from both sides - men and women must put the work in together, and tantra is a good vehicle for that, too. It provides inner value, so that we may feel valued, and make our loved one feel valued.
Relationships fail when we forget to value them. In a true love relationship it's not about what we can buy our partner, or how good we are in bed, it's about showing the person you love that you value them. A true love relationship is a journey where it's not the material gains we value, but rather the knowledge that our loved one will value us no matter what the material gains may be. It's about honouring the other person for who they are as they honour you, to attest that the value shown stems from the love given and received from within and without.
And continuing on that journey of knowledge between the practical and the mystical aspects of tantric teachings, in the third part of this series we shall delve deeper into the mystical secrets of tantra, while discussing some techniques singles and partners can employ to bring greater spiritual awareness into their physical love lives.
End of Part 2 | Read more in this series: 1
Yours in (sexy) love,
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