When Love Falls Silent

“Extensive research has shown that the average human speaks over 7,000 words a day. Some believe that words (and numbers) carry such powerful energy that, if used correctly, they can positively transform your life. A kind word, a cruel word, we can feel its impact keenly. The words we use or hear can even improve your posture, release stress and gain more confidence. And if there’s a goal you’re trying to reach, a pattern that you’re trying to break or a skill you’re looking to improve, learning how to use words to enhance any area of your life is believed to have helped many in need. Whatever you believe, it's true the words we use each day can have an astonishingly positive impact on our lives - if we learn how to use them correctly.”
— Mickie Kent

Listen. Where are you reading this right now? Focus on your surroundings. Are you in a quiet room of your house? In the subdued atmosphere of a library? In the brimming bustle of an open public space? What is it you hear?

What you hear is phenomenal. Each sound, like each word, has its own power and vibration because of the meaning it carries; even its absence. When sounds fall quiet, when our words stop, something will inevitably come to fill its vacuum - colours, images, our thoughts fill a silent moment, or continue what words fail to elucidate.

The underlying meanings continue. For their absence would mean a deeper vacuum. It would mean the very absence of self. And every time you neglect yourself or you're not true to yourself or you don't face your fears, you could be energetically dying, without even knowing it.

They say this energetic form of death arises when you have a job that breaks your spirit, or when you stay in an unhealthy relationship. Basically, every time you're not true to yourself or don't face your fears, it's believed you're energetically dying a little bit. Like absences of meaning - it's unnatural - and yet this vacuum is becoming more prominent in our lives.

You can hear it in the words we use with each other and ourselves. It's a prime indicator of how much meaning we have in our lives. Listen to yourself today as you interact with your loved ones. Focus on the words you use. Be aware of your internal chatter, and the words you unconsciously have chosen to use in a conversation with your subconscious.

"Today I will make a list. I will focus on my goals. I won't waste time on social media. I will make things happen."

Does this sounds familiar? Today came and went. You didn't make a list. There are no ticks on your checklist. You may have wasted hours of your life on social media. You have achieved little. Your goals and ambitions remain unfulfilled and you vow to do better tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes and goes. Nothing changes. You start to feel like a failure and mentally beat yourself up for your inability to just get on with it. Before you know it, you are berating yourself for past failures too.

The cycle continues and you find yourself locked in the merry-go-round of negativity. You desperately want to get off and find a way to move forwards, calming and with purpose. But have you listened to your choice of words? And what they mean? Or how they make you feel? Whenever there's a public disaster why do we wait for a speech from those we elect? To help give us meaning. What they say, how they say it, can help form the current mood.

"Things never go right. If only I could get a grip."

Ever wonder why you can't move forward? In today's 24/7 culture, it is easy to fall victim to the many distractions available to us. Social media, online shopping, satellite TV - they all help us to create diversions from the tasks we really need to complete. The constant mind chatter of what ifs, maybes, should haves and shouldn't haves are constantly hijacking your attention (and your mood) - yet there is an even greater force preventing you from focusing on what you need to do.

Not only is this greater force preventing you from achieving your personal best, it is actively destroying your ability to live in the moment and enjoy life. That's greater force is your own mind. And part of its positive armoury are the words we consciously choose to formulate with it. They are also the weapons with the destructive means to dent it.

"I just can't seem to concentrate on anything. I'm so anxious. All I ever do is worry. It stops me from getting on with stuff."

Do you wish you could switch off that inner negative voice? Does this sound like you? Take some time out and try this simple experiment... Sit down. Switch off your phone and any other form of technology. Allow yourself just two minutes to focus on your breathing. How many times did your mind wander away from your breathing? Maybe you heard a noise and couldn't resist the urge to find out what it was? Perhaps a colleague or friend said something to annoy you and you found yourself brooding about it. Quite possibly, you just felt impatient, restless or bored.

You probably found this task more difficult than you thought it would be. You discover with the 2 minute breathing exercise that focusing the mind on one task isn't easy. Our minds are so overloaded; we struggle to switch off for the shortest time. But listen to the space you are reading this in right now. Focus on your surroundings. What is it you hear? More specifically what words can you hear going around your brain? Are you worried about something currently? Do you find yourself thinking: "I don't know what will happen if...?"

Visualise a situation where you have to raise a difficult issue or ask for something. Maybe you want to ask a favour of an acquaintance or ask your boss for a promotion. Your imagination take on a life of its own as you imagine yourself engaged in conversation with that person. You may feel anxious or angry as you think about what will happen - you just know what they will say to you. You may even enjoy imagining your response as you play the whole scenario out in your head - fantasising about how you will respond to their criticism or refusal. As the curtain comes down on the final scene, you decide that you won't ask them after all. It was a silly idea. It would never have worked out.

Now take a step back. Do you really know what would have happened? Would that person have reacted in the way you imagined? Maybe their response would have been different (and more positive) to how you assumed it would be. Most of us can probably relate to this. It all sounds harmless enough, until you imagine how many missed opportunities occur because of the way your own imagination has worded and rejected the possibility that things could have worked out differently. Your negative thought process has hoodwinked you into believing that good things can't happen to you; that things will never change. Suddenly, it doesn't sound harmless at all.

This is the point when negative speaking/thinking becomes serious. It is at this point which the negative inner voice can wreak the worst damage, adversely affecting your health and well-being. If you have ever suffered a similar episode, you will know it is difficult to overcome. When you hit that moment where your mood is starting to lift, ingrained thought processes and negative behaviours can limit your ability to recover. Worse still, you can find yourself slipping into depressive episodes heightened anxiety states.

Wake the mind to the power of words

To defend against "mental darkness" and its vacuum, in my post "Love is Not What You Think" I write that we have to awaken the mind by concious focusing - and being aware of the words we use is an important part of that. When we wake the mind to the power of words, we wake the mind WITH the power of words.

And when unwanted thoughts and negative behaviour patterns are holding you back from personal happiness and fulfilment, there is a way forward. The practice of mindfulness, a meditative practice with Buddhist roots, is a very popular form of concious focusing. It's one way which can help you regain control. Through mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MCBT), and its counterpart mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR), you can identify negative thoughts and behaviours and learn strategies to combat them.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness isn't just a new, trendy buzzword. It isn't merely the 'in thing' for new age therapists or the latest fad being offered offices and schools. Mindfulness is a very real, accessible technique that you can learn. It is a technique, an understanding, which enables you to take control and move your life forward; helping you to set yourself free from the negative cycle but stops you enjoying life to the full.

It is suitable for people from all walks of life. The common thread that links them is a desire to take control and banish the effects of negative thought processes and behaviours - so they can enjoy life, here and now, as it really is.

Why do we need mindfulness?

Paying attention to just one thing is challenging. We are simply not used to it. We very rarely focus on one thought or task at a time. Our thoughts take over. Often our minds are on autopilot, randomly bringing up negative experiences and thoughts from the past - plunging our present into disarray. Missed opportunities, strained relationships and unfulfilled personal goals are just some of the undesirable outcomes of our own negative thoughts patterns.

Be mindful in all that you can do and you will learn how to be. In doing so mindfulness can benefit you in many ways. It can bring increase motivation and a sharper focus on tasks. It can help you live in the here and now. There will be no more dwelling on the past. It will give you increased ability to make decisions and take action. It will help you switch off from unpleasant thoughts and focus on the present moment.

It will give you the freedom from negative behaviours that hold you back in various aspects of your life. It will help you feel successful and in control. It will help you achieve your goals. You will feel at ease with yourself and pat yourself on the back at the end of the day. You'll find yourself with him happy relationships and collaborations and with increased happiness, health and well-being.

However, some argue the growing popularity of mindfulness conceals a dark truth society must confront. Emma Barnett, writing for The Telegraph, has called it "the saddest trend of 2015" after failing in her quest to achieve mental peace. But mindfulness isn't the Hollywood multi-billion dollar industry it's become. It's not simply focusing on breathing, or spending hours trying to be mindfully quiet. Mindfulness is understanding; it's not falling into a stupor, quite the opposite, it's an abrupt awakening.

It's exactly this snack-sized approach that won’t sort people out - and which Barnett is right to complain about. It will only ever be a sticking plaster if the root cause of the stress isn't being addressed. Proper mindfulness allows for the right arena in which to do that. It is what the Buddhist version of mindfulness teaches - a moral and ethical world view - an understanding of everything seen through a concious focus that awakens us to our responsibilities. For, it is our lives and how we lead them that really needs to change if we are to improve our mental well-being.

The thinking that works is this: Change your words, change your life. It is our words that need changing. It's up to you how you pronounce them. It's a choice. It's said the legend of rock and roll began when Elvis Presley was persuaded a guitar would make a better birthday present than a rifle as a young teen. Likewise the difference between a democracy and a tyrannical system are the choices made in power.

Thus we need to consciously select, and mindfully think before speaking. The words we misuse, the labels we unthinkingly, unfeelingly attach - and really should ditch - are all leading us closer to a vacuum of meaning.

Before we trip over the edge, it's time to take a step back. Listen. Consciously focus. What do you hear? For when the words stop, love - and the meaning it gives to our lives - shouldn't fall silent.

Yours in love,