Forging Tantric Connections-1

The perfect methodology for a modern relationship is similar to the one for a modern age: For health, wealth, peace, and happiness in today's world, we need two things - a sound body and mind, and full integration between the two. Tantra gives us the tools we need to access the innate wisdom of our body and the power of our mind and to put the two together to discover the enormous wealth and joy inside of us.

Anyone can practice tantra. You don't have to renounce your beliefs, religion, culture, or your ice cream (especially the last). Just apply tantra's time-tested techniques to yourself and find freedom from all conflicts, doubts, and fear, because tantra reminds us that our body and mind are a beautiful gift - which we can share with that special person, the twin flame which burns in our lives.

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Within a twin flame relationship there are many important parts we need to piece together to create the whole picture of a nurturing, loving environment where souls can blossom. I constantly state that amongst these the practice of sex and sexual harmony is an integral part of a relationship. It isn't everything, it's part of the whole. The physicality is just one method bodies use to communicate with each other.

Sexual harmony is rare between strangers. It takes time to nurture. It is much more important to become friends first, to learn how to work through your challenges with your twin flame as part of a team, and to communicate effectively and honestly with one another. These steps are paramount not only for the emotional well-being, health and longevity of a relationship, but also important if twin flame couples are going to add an extra dimension to their lovemaking, too.

Great sex might not always require intimacy. I would argue it does, because even quickie sex (which can be great fun) is a prelude to sex proper. We won't know, however, how (literally) mind-blowing sex really can be until we sleep with a loving partner versed in all our hotspots. What is certain is that a deeper level of lovemaking does require intimacy. Sex gets under your skin when we are able to harness our sexual energies, boost them with a twinned partner and bring its magnetic influence into all aspects of our lives. On the surface, great sex as just the act itself can boost a relationship, but it does not make a relationship. A great relationship is what ultimately makes the sex.

That isn't to be belittle the importance of sex in our lives. A romp in the sheets comes with multiple health benefits, and of course having sex sends your happiness levels ricocheting up the Richter scale - no surprises there. But it also poses some major risks too; people have been registered as experiencing problems after sex - kidney infections, migraines, heart problems, even amnesia. The positives outweigh the risks of sexual intercourse, however, when done properly.

Even thinking you're having sex (even if you're not) has been studied to have a positive effect. What if I told you that even just believing you're getting some on a more regular basis than your friends and neighbours could raise your levels, too? It's the truth according to survey data from over 15,000 people collated by the University of Colorado Boulder, who saw higher happiness levels in those who figured they were having sex more than their peers.

But the misconception that a love relationship must be based on sex is one that often blights the practice of tantra as well. When we think of tantra in the West, the first thing that usually comes to mind is sex, the performance of it, and how it can endow the user with stamina and long-lasting sexual prowess. However, tantra at its core had nothing to with sex initially, and even when sex was used, it was as a route to enlightenment - not debasement. Sex in this context, therefore, has to be practised between trusting partners, in an environment that is ripe for intimacy.

Tantric sex and twin flames.

Between practising tantric partners, sex needs to be based on respect and appreciation - even adoration - because it's only when the sexual dimension of your being is met with respect, you come face to face with the amazing nativeness of human sexuality. It is fundamental and basic as fire is to warmth, and just as fuel-worthy. For when we gain an open and adoring access to our bodies, this enables us to free our body from what some term as one-sided enslavement, as purely a sexual or even pornographic object, and place it into a loving and holistic context. Put on this path, sex can lead us to our higher selves.

We make love not only with our bodies, but with our hearts and minds and souls harmonised in the same breath, bolstered by the sexual energies we can awaken with practice. It is also an aid for lovers to get to know one another intimately; it can promote exclusivity between consenting adults. Men might want to learn tantra to woo women, or become better in bed with multiple partners, but tantra is more than sexual positions. It teaches a man not only patience, and virtue, and a real understanding of the importance of intimacy in lovemaking, but that when we have sex, we don't primarily have sex with a partner to make ourselves happy. In giving do we receive, in receiving do we understand, and it is through tantra that a man may understand the multi-faceted sides of women.

Women do lust after all, and women are the biggest mystery for men when it comes to desire. Even though many women tend to orientate their sexuality to a man's requirements, when they do this they lose contact with their own body and their inner compass - the things that truly lead to female ecstasy. What tantra allows a man to do is forgo any fight about sexuality and tenderness, because both belong together and determine each other mutually.

Likewise, a woman needs to understand how a man's desire works, because women's lust is different than a male's, and therefore tantra can be a good introduction for both on how the other works sexually. We are not capable of teaching our partner about our sexuality, unless we have explored and become familiar with it ourselves, too, so tantra is also a good introduction into our own sex. But at its core, tantra is not just about pleasing each other and ourselves, it's about gaining a deeper understanding through that pleasure to cement a bond with the connection it provides.

More than just better sex

The poet Rumi said, I am not this hair, I am not this skin, I am the soul that lives within. In the same vein, sex shouldn't give us value in the context of daily life as people, it's a natural part of existence - like eating is for energy. One statistic shows that 40% of our daily energy we receive from food, air, water and sunlight goes into the production of sexual energy, which is then used in the production of sperm for males or the cultivation of eggs for the female. Ideally this is how we should view sex, as energy, and as there are right ways to eat, wrong ways to eat, and different tastes for different people, so, too, the same can be said of sex.

Sadly however, we tend to dominate sex, use its power over people, discriminate against sexual preferences, and abuse its beauty in ways that help murder not only the spirit of others, but our own, as well. To put it very simply, in classical terms male nudity has always been closely linked to strength, invulnerability and heroism, the female nude to passivity, beauty and eroticism. There is nothing wrong with that, but when sex is gender dominated, it focuses too much on physicality, and in reality sexuality is much more fluid.

Rather, sexual understanding should be "dominated" by trust and love, and our bodies used as vessels to raise our healing energies. It's believed that genes act as switches that can switch on the action of other genes. In itself the switch does very little but the difference between it being switched on and off can be huge, and sex can be a medium for that. Some go further and believe tantra lovemaking is about wiring your twin flame into your DNA to trigger your spiritual ascension together. That's why you'll often heard it said that sex with your twin flame is "out of this world" because it literally is.

Click here for 5 secret tantric tips for twin flames.

Many would think that the orgasms they already have are pretty good, so why waste time with these practices? Well we need to have the ability to conceptualise something greater. Conventional truth is the truth of consensus reality, common-sense notions of what does and does not exist. Ultimate truth is reality as viewed by an awakened, or enlightened mind.

Although what we seek is often seeking us, most of us are not talented receivers when it comes to love. Whether or not we are able to give love has surprisingly little to do with its polar opposite of being able to open to the love coming towards us. Tantra is also about taking a risk with your heart and begin in the bedroom.

Forging tantric connections with your twin flame means abandoning your need to control the outcome, and allowing yourself moments of naked vulnerability to experience how unpredictable and healing human touch can be. Receiving physical love from your partner is a true investment, which not only changes the cycle of giving and receiving in your relationship but allows pleasure to move through us and transform us.

We begin to understand that time spent with a loved one is not a waste of time, even for those of us with the busiest of work schedules and family obligations. Yes, proper study of tantric lovemaking does take some time and practice to achieve its more greater experiences, but once you have you wouldn't want it any other way. As you progress you also gain a basis to realise what is truly possible. Who wouldn't want to make time for that?

In fact nearly all emotional and mental issues or disorders that exist are at least partly connected with our sexuality and its repression. All sexual problems such as impotence, premature ejaculation, lack of libido, frigidity, self esteem and self worth problems and problems with self expression are related to the emotional issues associated with our sexuality. There are so many temporary fixes for such problems like drugs, herbs or tonics but none of these are cures, but the only possible cure for sexual problems, as well as other emotional issues, is a clearing of the emotional and energetic blockages that are the primary cause. To do this we must begin to cultivate our sexual energy, stop its loss and circulate it throughout the body.

If we do begin to clear the blockages, cultivate our sexual energy and in effect raise our vibration some outstanding possibilities may be realised. In fact tantric sex forms a basis for true inner alchemy that can awaken your multidimensional awareness, your memory of past lives, between lives and even incarnations in other dimensions and on other planets. To incarnate higher dimensional forces which contain your true self and spirit which can free you from all the trappings of the earthly ego and from all illusions it is absolutely necessary to cultivate sexual energy and begin to raise it into the central nervous system.

Sexual energy is healing power: Long ago tantric masters discovered that to be successful externally or internally we must first awaken our latent power, for only those who are strong and blessed with great stamina reach the final goal. Build-up of sexual energy and repressed emotional blockage is considered bad for you and obstructs you from getting the full benefit of tantra, but it's not necessary for this build-up to cause symptomatic negative side effects.

Through tantric connections it's possible for the pent up energy to be circulated throughout the entire body leading to a strengthening of the entire energy body, and a rejuvenation of your physical being. For this to occur however the sexual energy must be able to move into the body. In most people this is not possible because emotional issues cause a contraction of the energy in and around the genitals which in turn causes muscle tension in these areas.

Due to this blockage of energy the built-up sexual energy has nowhere to go. It will quickly fill the genital region and then begin to put pressure on the energetic blockages caused by any emotional issues. This pressure will cause the above mentioned symptoms. Some tantric masters have stated that the priestal child abuse which rocked the Catholic Church to its very foundations may have stemmed from built-up sexual energy with nowhere to go. in many circumstances it may have been prevented if they knew how to raise their sexual energy into the body and circulate it instead of leaving it in the genitals, avoiding many of the sexual assaults on vulnerable children.

Celibacy is as powerful as sex itself, and can be purifying, but we have to be in harmony psychologically, physically and emotionally to be able to tap into the energies conserved by being celibate to harness them for healing and purification. Celibacy is commonly understood to only mean abstinence from sexual activity, or analogous to some virginal state as in the Christian debate about whether "the ideal mode" of life is a celibate one. But being sexually celibate with another doesn't mean we must deny the connection with our self. Putting aside the debate of whether it's even possible to live a celibate life in its most strictest sense, for our purposes a celibate life doesn't mean a sexless one.

When we get sexual desires, one way to relieve them is to masturbate, which is necessary to control the flow of sexual energy. Otherwise what goes on below will effect the brain. Sex can become attached to feelings of guilt, or become viewed as something dirty and eventually end up sabotaging your sex life when you choose the right time for one.

Too much of anything is not a good thing. Sexual exploration is about being comfortable in your own skin and owing your body, but self-gratification does require education and training, too, because it can be overdone. Tantric masturbation (known in some circles as White tantra) should be looked on as an aid to a greater purpose, not simply to feed into sexual arousal, but to release its energy. Masturbating whenever we feel sexually aroused runs the risk of linking that feeling just to pleasure.

Being celibate, therefore, is said to be good for our health for short lengths of time. As a form of detox, some believe it keeps you from losing your vital essence, and supposedly gives your kidneys a break, too. Others simply see it as a rite of purification. When you have "bad" sex, you put your sexual health at risk in untrustworthy environments and relationships, effectively blocking your healing sexual energies. Nearly half a million people in the United Kingdom are diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection (STI) every year. However, the number of actual cases is likely to be far higher as STIs can often be passed on unwittingly.

Thus, along with the very real physical risks, the emotional hurt, guilt and other resulting negative feelings all contribute to damaging your well-being, which in turn damages your body psychologically, emotionally and physically, unbalancing the harmonies given voice within you.

Some suggest that if we go celibate until we find the right person - and wait for a period to be sure they ARE the right person - then this not only keeps us safe from infectious disease, but it purifies us from our past. Women: if a guy loves you he will wait. Men: if a woman loves you she will respect you more for waiting. And in essence when we do this, we come to each other "pure", so that we can channel "good" sexual energy when we do finally unify to heal us (and not harm the other with any infection).

It may sound like an oversimplification to describe sex as "good" or "bad", but you can recognise great sex as a natural healthy high; it makes you feel good, so "good" sex is healthy because it channels its energy rather than draining it. Tantra can also help with this theory that we must first detox our bodies from the "bad" sex (or the consequences of it we carry in our spiritual and physical bodies), because the need for tantra is not just about pleasuring another, or receiving pleasure from another - it's also about taking rein of the sexual energies within yourself.

The need for tantra

You will hear some tantric practitioners extend this to say that the only reason males need to ejaculate, and females have menstruation periods, is that their energy bodies are full of blockages. This does not make sense to me, as the science shows us the menstrual cycle is automatic and natural. However, what does make sense is that psychosomatic symptoms CAN affect our natural cycles, and emotional sex is a part of that.

If we were not so cut off from higher consciousness and our own intuition, controlling our own cycles could actually come naturally, and again, some tantric adherents go further to state that a female could even have enough control over her body to just begin menstruation when she planned to have a baby. The belief is that it's a waste to expel an egg once a month that is overflowing with beneficial energy that could rejuvenate the entire body. A female that learned to control her sexual energy and in effect prevent the loss of her energy could live into very old age and never experience menopause. Likewise it's said that it's a massive waste for a male to ejaculate his vital creative fluid too often.

This is why some physical tantric practices train men to orgasm without ejaculation, or to prolong the point of ejaculation as much as possible to allow time for the sexual energies to circulate freely. Often this may even result in the unheard of: men having multiple orgasms. But although most people wouldn't complain about having too many orgasms - for some folks it's all about denying the release, and look to other ancient sexual techniques to accomplish this.

For example another way to make love is Karezza, an ancient sexual technique where the goal is to avoid release - always. The point is to feel extremely sexually stimulated without release: you have sex slowly and gently (and for a long time) while being mindful of your partner's state of arousal. Those who practice Karezza claim it leads to happier, healthier relationships over time as well as a heightened spiritual state of bliss.

It isn't for everyone, and naturally if you want children it's not going to be useful, but for some partners, especially those long-term senior twin flames who are in their third or fourth decade may wish to utilise such techniques to add another dimension to tantra techniques.

Although it's wrongly believed that tantra is all about the slow burn big finish, you'll discover that with the required tantric know-how, supplementing your practical knowledge with other ancient techniques will not contradict, but surprisingly compliment what you know. Men and women will not only discover that the possibilities for orgasm can be multiplied almost indefinitely when we prevent the loss of sexual energy, either through prolonged ejaculation, or avoiding it altogether, some have also testified that their lovemaking has caused an orgasm lasting for hours throughout the entire body.

The problem is that to achieve this, the energy blockages that are made up of emotional issues from negative past experiences must be cleared, or the increased pressure from not losing the normal amount of sexual energy will lead to the negative symptoms already mentioned. So typically, both men and women don't sufficiently cultivate their sexual energy, because to do so will confront them with emotional issues from their past. For this reason few people have actually succeeded with tantric sex, and many who have begun on the tantric path soon gave up, as they were not given enough information or the required techniques to clear all energy and emotional blockages.

I always say the "magic" of tantra is that you don't need to understand the how to feel the pow, and within a loving, trusting twin flame relationship that's very true. Our twin flame relationship is already pushing us through its natural stages to release past negativity, and we will find that tantra just seems to automatically "click" with our bodies, with a case of practice making perfect!

However, the average person is in a state of stasis where they must continue to lose the same amount of sexual energy, so they are not confronted with negative emotions. And even with twin flames, every relationship is a progression, and they may still discover blockages that were even hidden from themselves, and so we can also use tantra as a way to clear the path that leads to each other.

Once we begin to use tantra to heal ourselves and each other through lovemaking, our relationships will strengthen with bonds that very few challenges will be able to break. Moreover, exchanging sexual energy with your partner, and circulating and blending it throughout your bodies simply cannot be compared with ordinary orgasm.

With an ordinary orgasm, a small amount of sexual energy is built up and then released from the testicles in men and the ovaries in women, into the genitals. This release of energy is where the orgasmic feelings come from. For men, it's usually a rush of orgasmic sensations out the end of the penis. The small amount of sexual energy that causes these feelings will not be enough to create a full body orgasm. For full body orgasm to occur the entire meridian system must be cleared and the vibration of the energy body raised.

This is done through the cultivation and circulation of sexual energy, and it will take time and practice. As you continue to practice, the blockages around the genital region will be cleared and you will be able to build and store much more sexual energy. These far greater stores can then be released into the meridian system during sex and cause some very intense full body orgasms that can last a very long time, with no ejaculation.

For females, the normal orgasm does not result in a large scale loss of sexual energy, which is why even normal women are capable of having longer lasting orgasms than men - multiple orgasms and even body orgasms. The females orgasm is simply sexual energy being released from the ovaries, usually into the genital area. For the male however the sexual energy is very much a part of the sperm, so as they are released the sexual energy is released with them.

The feeling of orgasm is in fact the feeling of sexual energy being released into areas of the body where there are many nerve endings. Orgasmic sensations are actually sexual energy (which has a very strong vibration) stimulating the physical nerve endings. The nerve endings are so sensitive that they can actually feel the sexual energy which is a non-physical substance. With a full body orgasm the physical nerve endings of the entire body are stimulated by the highly vibrating sexual energy.

Just imagine if all this energy was kept and recirculated instead of being lost through normal ejaculation, or irregular menstruation. Your energy supply would very quickly expand and keep on expanding.

The possibilities of raising your vibration to a high enough level for spiritual incarnation will fast become realised. Its power may then begin to enter the body, all emotional issues will begin to be cleared, and you'll become free from all past conditioning. Full body orgasms are only the beginning for the ecstasies and bliss possible through real tantric sex. An orgasm so complete that all boundaries are dissolved and a merging of both partners with each other, their higher selves, spirits and the universe can occur. At these higher stages of tantric sex experience truly defies description.

But to experience is to know! The next parts to this three-parter will delve more deeply into the mysteries of tantra and its available techniques for those who desire to know the truth, to transcend the earthly ego and all illusion, incarnate higher forces and consciousness and to experience spiritual transformation first hand.

It will prove to twin flame lovers everywhere that the results of proper tantric practice, which can be done alone or with a partner, are indeed far above and beyond better sex. It unlocks the hidden energies within you.

End of Part 1 | Read more in this series: 2

Yours in (sexy) love,

Can Love Truly Fix Us?

“Our modern societies are suffering from their own depressions and historical traumas; no surprise when selling ourselves is our oldest profession, instead of loving ourselves. Even though we all subconsciously know we are from the same song sheet, rather than busying ourselves with finding our individual voices to sing with, we waste our energies trying to silence each other over different ideologies. Many now believe that unless we get rid of our destructive systems of race, religion and money, they will get rid of us. But what about our own personal challenges with trauma that give rise to its myriad forms of depression, chronic anxieties and mood disorders? Can love truly "fix" us in those circumstances?”
— Mickie Kent

One of the greatest privileges writing a blog like this brings is the contact from readers. It's the greatest form of receivership for me when I hear how much my articles have helped others in their own lives. It's humbly noted, but I'm just sharing my own personal experiences applied to the new science and growing movements out there, and always explain that we need to tailor advice (especially over the internet when so much of it is unverified) to our own personal and unique self.

I always maintain, too, that we must always follow professional medical advice, and seek proper therapy when necessary, under the correct guidance from a trusted general practitioner. But nothing beats us strengthening the ties that binds us to our inner power - of being informed about what makes us tick, or makes us sick.

Often prevention is better than a cure, but what if we are seriously ill? Let's say, through no fault of our own lifestyles, but through a series of genetic dispositions or negative experiences embedded into our subconscious via our formative years (or both) we find ourselves struggling with life badly? These are circumstances where slight tweaks to an unhealthy lifestyle can't easily bring you closer to a joyous mind. This is where one reader's email to me comes in.

I share an excerpt of it with her permission, but she asks to remain anonymous, so out of respect for her wishes, for the purposes of this article I shall call her Diana. In her mail to me, Diana writes:

Mickie, I just got to say how much I love reading your blog. Your articles are so insightful and so refreshingly lack BS that I just feel you'll understand why I'm writing to you. I suffer from severe mood swings that can affect my whole day. I am on meds, and under my GP's supervision, but during my black dog days I just feel as nothing works. The stuff you write about is fantastic, but the fact is I'm living proof that some of us are broken beyond repair. While it might work for the majority, simply knocking out a few kinks in my life isn't going to bring me happiness. I don't think even during my "highs" I've ever experienced, or know what it means, to be happy."

I have to confess that Diana's mail moved me to tears, and touched me deeply. More so because my twin flame used to suffer from depression in his youth, after suffering a nervous breakdown. When we first met he was struggling to cope, but he was coping, and now he's so different you wouldn't even know he had ever suffered a breakdown. He's the most happiest-go-lucky guy I know. His breakdown became a breakthrough. He turned the void he fell in as a teen to an awakening, which pivoted him into a breakthrough of creative expression, self-empowerment and inspired action. He made the necessary adjustments, kept his heart open, and made it a time where he really came to know himself, to ask the hard questions: Who am I? Why am I here? What is this life about?

He is proof positive that there will be times in our lives that we all feel broken to a greater or smaller degree, that much is true. But no one - I repeat - no one is beyond repair in such circumstances. That is just your illness speaking, not you.

Even in regard to many psychoses today there is growing evidence that the mind can heal itself to almost miraculous results. Of course, these "miracles" don't happen like magic. Self-help courses to help you through troubled times are not miracle workers in that sense, and there is no wand a doctor can wave.

It takes hard work and YEARS of gradual, baby steps towards getting to a state where you can manage your thoughts and emotions to stop them from disabling your progression in life. To this extent, the journey to well-being becomes a lifestyle, and can be the "best" persuasion you need to adopt habits clinically proven to result in the betterment of our lives.

It's most definitely easier said than done, when we feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. But mental illness doesn't mean something broken that must be fixed, and we need to get away from that kind of analogy.

Your brain and your emotions work differently, and your pathways might just be longer to get you to who you are, but trust me, they solutions are there, and even if they're not, you can lay down new pathways to a "better" working you - or at the very least to help you devise a more manageable coping process.

Depression treatments you won't believe work.

Mental illness, and especially depression also has a lot of social stigma to get over. Case in point, being depressed doesn't mean you lack a sense of humour. Humour is a good way to deal with depression: in fact many comedians who make people laugh are simultaneously struggling with a personal darkness. A lot of comedians use dark humour to introduce absolute truth in order to provoke the public and not authority. It's a way to blast politicians without getting into court for it. Similarly with depression, you can make fun of it to provoke your mind to action without triggering your depression to deepen. It's a good coping strategy.

Depression is not a sign of weakness, quite the opposite, it means you've been strong for far too long. The first step is to surround yourself with the proper support. We all need to remember we're not alone, and there is no shame in seeking help from professional people. This is VERY important, and should top your list of things to start doing for yourself.

It's absolutely vital you believe that your needs matter. If you don't value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you're sabotaging yourself. For those of us in charge of our families and responsible for children, remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you. And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most. With a little support yourself, you can even be the team leader of your very own support group.

This is a potent time for you to truly commit to only bringing people into your life who reflect how wonderful you really are. And real friends are those that see us at our lowest, and understand us the most. One awesome thing about Eeyore in the Winnie-the-Pooh books is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventure and shenanigans with all of his friends. And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they just love him anyway, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change.

So, if you feel you aren't being treated with respect or that you are spending your time doing something that you don't enjoy, or people don't understand your differences, then it's time to let those people or circumstances go.

Discover the value of your core

It may seem a great burden or challenge that faces you with such an "affliction", but you need to value yourself and remember your worth, and that your differences help make you who you are. And what is going on with you goes deeper than what you're experiencing currently. Something may have happened to you for you to deservedly feel this way.

Trauma comes in many guises, and there could be any number of causes for feeling angry and depressed. However, if you have recently sustained a traumatic brain injury, the cause may be quite clear.

Brain trauma can often lead to severe mood swings and a lack of control over one's emotions. In a lot of severe cases, the damage sustained by the brain can also lead to lasting psychological effects, including outbursts of anger and depression. If this is you, then being monitored by professionals is the best way to go - there are treatment options available to help calm these psychological issues while your brain recovers.

It's important to remember that this is a normal part of your recovery. So, allow yourself time to slowly reintegrate yourself back in to your normal routine, and even lasting damage doesn't mean lifestyle changes won't help you manage your difficulties better.

If your issues are not from physical trauma, or you're experiencing long lasting emotional issues which stem from other traumatic events that have left emotional scars, you'll still need to consult with a physician or psychiatrist if the changes you experience or the differences in your nature are so debilitating they stop you from getting on with independent daily living.

The important thing is not to hide your feelings, or to feel shame - however natural it may be for you to feel this way. Opening ourselves up and talking to supportive professionals is important therapy, and although it might be frightening making choices that have been different than anything you've known so far, it will be well worth the risk. In ensuring that there are more safe spaces to discuss depression, we can also try to discuss what small things we can do to remove the stigma of mental health-related issues. And when you say YES to people and circumstances that light up your soul, and NO to what doesn't, you'll see your life will become infinitely more amazing. Never, ever sacrifice your own well-being just to please other people.

So, please also remember that you deserve nothing but beauty and love. Take bold and confident steps now to create a life of joy. A joy which doesn't necessarily mean the fictional version of happiness that is unobtainable to ALL of us, but the real inner sense of joy that comes with finally being at peace with who we really are, and all our differences that colour us individually between our own lines.

The difference of depression

No one wants to struggle with depression, and no one wants to admit to struggling with it. Many severe forms of depression are not merely mood swings; they can severely affect our day-to-day activities and at the worst point of our lives, make us feel as if this beautiful gift of life is a curse not worth living.

Depression is a dark place that not only burdens us, but for unnecessary reasons it also shames us. We feel different, and we feel upset for being different, as though we are somehow "broken" from the majority. The truth is we are all, at some time or another, susceptible to depression. We can all trip and fall into its cycle. Even an accumulation of the daily stresses of modern living and the pressures to conform or be a perfect person, compounded with toxic factors in our lifestyle and diet, can be enough of a traumatic trigger to make us experience some or all of the symptoms of depression.

This dark place in our moods and mind we call depression has many shades and shadows. There are many different definitions of depressive psychological conditions that differ slightly from what we understand as standard clinical depression. For example, atypical depression (AD) is defined by mood swings that are affected by negative and positive events. This is referred to as "mood reactivity". Common symptoms of AD also include excessive sleeping, fatigue, feelings of being overwhelmed, overeating and trouble with rejection and social interaction.

If this is you, then don't despair. It doesn't mean you were born for unhappiness or to miss out on joy, it means you will experience it differently. It may sound like spiritual rubbish, but happiness hard won is true happiness, because on the way to it we learn the true worth of joy. You tell me if you don't feel a sense of achievement on those days you grab the upper hand as you manoeuvre yourself out of your personal dark forests of fear.

Fear will always be part of our perceptual landscape, as much a constant as sweat, sore feet or sleepiness. I have talked of embracing our shadow sides before, but this is not the same as embracing our fears. Our shadow sides may be direct by-products of our fears, or they may not, and while we must embrace all facets of who we are, this isn't the same as embracing our fears.

Trying to embrace your fears is not only a very vague concept, but it's a bit like "embracing" a hurt knee. Hugging your knee may make it feel better for a short while, but some suggest that the idea of embracing something elevates it, giving it a disproportionate amount of significance. Fear should not be elevated, it should simply be acknowledged.

While I'm not a psychologist, I can tell you that people are primarily afraid of two things, physical and emotional pain. Just about everything you can think of falls pretty neatly into one of those two categories. And oddly enough, more people get hung up on avoiding emotional pain than the physical kind. This is despite fact that things which cause physical pain are often things which can immediately kill you. But people regularly make risky decisions while avoiding mundane activities which at their worst might make them look foolish.

Dealing with fear is a real issue. But it's not a mystical process. It can be handled systematically. And just like therapies, medications and workout regimens, one size doesn't fit all. Different fears require different methods, and there are plenty of reasonable methods out there.

So go ahead and hug your fears, but make sure you are aware of them, identify them. Quantify what it really is and then make your plan to deal with it. We know that muscles can be strengthened and brain function can be improved. So do the same thing with your courage. Exercise it regularly against your fears. Let them bounce off you.

We can master the tricks our mind plays on us to empower, rather than sabotage us. Especially when it comes to fear, because generally life seems one long roller coaster ride of fear. But fear is not something to be eliminated. You can't banish it away to a far-off place, nor should you. We can channel our fears to help us get out of the darkness. Think of it not as eliminating your fears, but the elimination of your limitations that come from fear.

Read how to release fear.

And as we try to pave a way out for ourselves, modern society doesn't seem to help with its dominant systems of violence, racism, religion and money - especially when it comes to the way we feel about our self-image.

Our lifestyle has changed at supersonic speeds, especially in the last fifty years or so, but our brains still respond as they did when our ancestors lived a much more rural-centric lifestyle. However, we're not as active as we were, and are more stressed, with modern urban living constantly pushing us to move at breakneck speed and look as though we're stuck in our twenties.

Switch off from stress with a manifesto.

But are you living the life that you truly want to be living, or are you living the life that you think you "should" be living? In our endless pursuit for a hyper-version of happiness and chasing after better and bigger material things, we can sometimes forget to slow down and really think about what makes us genuinely happy. We can mistakenly think that being busier and having more things will bring us joy, only to discover that we have created less time for ourselves to do what we enjoy the most.

Our genes, however, are still responding to our environment in the way they did in the time of our ancient ancestors, and when we are constantly in environments that keep our cortisol levels high, hormonal imbalances occur to affect our body as a whole - from the way we think right down to our digestive systems.

Feeling our existence is without purpose makes things worse. Loneliness adds fuel to its flame. And our addictive cravings for food, or abusive substances or bad relationships are simply the visible symptoms of more than just bad dietary choices. They're our cry for help.

Food cravings, at least for humans, tend to revolve around emotional needs rather than physical ones, and dieting can create a kind of civil war in your brain and in your gut (which in turn influences your cravings, too). Scientists also believe junk food can change a person's behaviour and weakens self-control. We can become seduced by food, and if a food is forbidden, you'll probably crave it more.

Between the constant vigilance over what you eat, the cost of food, and frequent over-worrying, you might find yourself feeling even more depressed. It can be stressful and exhausting, and it's at times like these we need to talk to our doctor or a mental health professional to discuss appropriate medications, therapy, or a combination of both, because we need to remove the emotional issues that block our path to recovery.

And if you are obese your brain could even be making you think differently about food. Our thoughts and feelings really do affect our food intake, and our exercise. Studies show that if you strongly believe in your mind that the workouts you are doing are drastically improving your body, your results will increase dramatically from those workouts. This was the results found by a Harvard University study mentioned in a book called 59 Seconds by Richard Wiseman. It's the classic placebo effect at work.

Once we realise that we can influence our gene expression through the right exercise, wholesome nutrition, a healthy lifestyle and our thoughts, then we can start to act.

Can lifestyle changes really help?

Strong emotions like depression, anxiety and anger are at the root of why so many people seek help from doctors, counsellors, psychotherapists or clinical psychologists. MIND, the National Association for Mental Health in the United Kingdom has said that at any one time millions of people suffer from the negative effects of these emotions, and according to the Campaign Against Living Miserably (Calm) depression is the single biggest killer of men aged 20-49 in the UK. It touches all corners of society, and depression is definitely not just feeling run down.

Scientists suspect depression takes its own toll on our cells, and can even speed up the ageing process, while studies show that depression is something chemical, suggesting it can be reversed with chemicals. It dispenses for once and for all that you can just pull your socks up out of your mood. Even happiness may be as much hormonal as anything else - with research showing that based on our body clock our "happiest" time is in the afternoon between 3-4 pm when our pleasure hormones or endorphins are believed to normally at their peak.

However, once you get professionally diagnosed, deciding to change your lifestyle to help combat those chemical imbalances can accelerate your healing and contribute to your recovery. It's about finding the right balance and combination of medication and natural solutions.

I have devised this "life" questionnaire for you to print out and use. Click here to download. It's divided into five sections: Life Satisfaction, Beliefs, Relationships, Problems and Medical Treatments. There are no right or wrong answers, but if your level of dissatisfaction is high you may want to discuss your results with a medical professional.

Lifestyle tweaks that improve mood may not be enough on their own, but they do work. Many mental health problems are started and maintained by certain thinking styles - anxiety is always linked with worry and depression is linked with rumination. Do too much of these, in the wrong way and you'll have a problem. In addition, research has revealed that although it has long been thought the key to a resilient brain lies in good genes, the secret to a healthy mind appears to lie in what is eaten to fuel the body and lifestyle choices. English comedian Stephen Fry's 2006 documentary about his own battles with depression, in the award-winning The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive, interviewed a doctor struggling with depression herself. She explained how she turned to food to help her with her condition, and that it helped her manage her condition successfully enough to return to work.

Read what to eat to beat depression.

Meanwhile, those of us who struggle with these challenges and wish to seek more natural alternatives - to supplement the professional advice and help we seek - will need even more patience. Sometimes it takes a considerable amount of trial and error before the right natural option is found for you. This type of optimism and patience is even more difficult for those who suffer from depression and severe mood swings.

But the point is this: you CAN be healed enough to come to terms with your illness, the hopelessness is just your affliction talking. And I'm not saying I can heal you; I am saying YOU can heal you.

Those of us striving for true wellness know it isn't always easy to do, because without a healthy mind-set, a healthy lifestyle is much harder to maintain. Thus, focusing too intently on natural alternatives without factoring in your unique psychological differences means looking for results with only half the equation at hand.

Moreover, no change is about restoring you to something other than your authentic self. Change means to change what isn't working for you, not to change you to what other people expect you to be, else it won't work. Obviously this world is constantly changing, and if you are not open to change, then you are going to live a very miserable life. You are going to change as well, but that doesn't mean that your core values (or authentic self) must change.

We should always welcome new sides to us, new places, new faces and new loves, but never force change on those core parts of you, unless you have strong reasons to believe you were wrong to believe them in the first place. For instance, you can't think away your homosexuality (not even with yoga). That is your authentic self.

Similarly, depression or a depressive state may just be a part of you, a genetic form or something that happened in the womb to make you who you are, and although there is a lot we can change about ourselves, distorting our authentic self will only bring suppression, not release - AND be an underlying core for the depression.

Inspiring stories of struggle

Suppression (physical, psychological or emotional) is one of the biggest components to depression, and mental and emotional unbalance. Suppressed emotions and desires are more dangerous that those fully experienced sometimes, because their consequences stretch longer over time and give birth to even greater uncontrollable problems.

Comedian Fry's documentary, whilst revealing his condition to be a little understood but potentially devastating condition, also showed how his psychological imbalance was brought about mainly by suppression over his sexuality. But when Fry spoke to many other sufferers, they all said they would not make their affliction go away, because their struggles and their creativity - that poured out from it - had made them who they are. This included Fry himself.

For many, the issue was more about coping with the effect their afflictions had on their lives or the challenges their differences brought to the table. Getting over depression or healing doesn't necessarily mean making your depression magically "disappear", it's about being able to embrace it - and as moronic as this sounds - even finding "joy" in it further down the line.

There are a lot of talented people who suffer from affliction, and their stories can also help inspire us in our own. It shows us we are not alone in our struggles. When we feel like a lost soul, sometimes we can take comfort from not being alone. Everyone is experiences life-changing events. Everyone is fighting their own personal battles, and such inspiration from the personal stories of others can help us take the necessary steps towards coping, or help sufferers see themselves as uniquely special, because they see the world in different ways. Some even credit their creativity to their affliction.

There are sufferers who say their passions and their successes help them achieve victories in their daily battles with their shadow side. Take Fergus Henderson, owner of one of the most coveted eateries in London, and also a sufferer of Parkinson's disease. It makes his achievements all the more remarkable given that he has battled Parkinson's for 20 years.

Sometimes the memoirs of grief in our lives highlight the necessity to transcend. Who can read Stephen Sutton's story and fail to be inspired? A young man who preferred to give two thumbs up to life, rather than give up after he was diagnosed with cancer. He began to raise awareness and money for charity, and in doing so inspired millions to his cause. His courage and his bravery in the face of his own death is a lesson we can all take in our daily battles with life.

There are millions - no, billions - of examples around the world. How about the cash strapped mum battling with cancer who became an eBay millionaire? Or how about Jacob Barnett? There was a time in his life where specialists were sceptical that as a young boy he would ever learn the alphabet, let alone read.

Jacob's mother was told not to bother with flash cards or any other alternative methods of instruction because his learning would be stunted due to his autism. At the time, Jacob did not even speak so it seemed that these specialists could have been right. Fortunately, his mother didn't think so and embarked on a unique journey to bring out and celebrate the best in her son - whatever that may be.

Switch on love with a manifesto.

As it turns out, it meant that he enrolled as an undergraduate student at age 11 and started work on his master's degree at age 15 at one of the premier physics schools in the world, the Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics - which is an incredible feat for anyone, let alone someone who was never thought to be able to master their ABCs.

The one thing all these inspirational stories have in common is support, and the courage not to give up when faced with adversity. They all changed their lives for the better, by turning their lifestyles around, too. But can simple changes in the way we live really help influence a debilitating illness like depression, especially when science is telling us that it's not simply a matter of feeling down?

Can we ever resolve emotional distress?

We all have basic physical and emotional needs such as the need for attention, love, security, connection and control, and the self-esteem which arises from competence and being challenged and stretched in our lives.

Nature also gave us the resources to help us meet such needs including: memory, imagination, problem solving abilities, self-awareness and a range of different thinking styles to use in various changing situations. It is these needs and resources together, which are built into our biology, that make up our human framework. When emotional needs are not met or when our resources are used incorrectly, we suffer considerable distress. And so do those around us.

By the time teens reach their 18th birthday, one in five will have had at least one diagnosable bout of clinical depression, while 33% of the global population suffers from panic attacks. It's a disturbing figure, and although it may feel like your brain is playing a prank on you, there's gathering evidence to show that teaching teens strategies to challenge negative thinking and manage stress can help reduce depression. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can break depression's downward spiral of negative thinking.

The joke doesn't need to be on us if we confront our fears, and turn to face our inner demons. We all face stress; how active our coping strengths are, or how vulnerable we are, will depend on a balance (or imbalance) of these factors. It is when we feel our energies blocked that we fall ill and things begin to get difficult.

Early signs might include going to bed, or isolating yourself or constantly feeling you are nothing, or overwhelmed with thoughts of self-hatred. We can all feel like this at times, and many of us do have successful plans in place for how to cope when things get tough - by applying tweaks to our lifestyle as already mentioned.

It's the fix du jour: lifestyle choices can help in everything from vision to virility. We may try and change our sleep patterns, or listen to music, exercise a bit more, eat better, or occupy our mind with more positive thoughts.

Some of us choose to get therapy when our daily coping strategies no longer work. There are hundreds of different counselling and psychotherapy models that people use, but there is no meaningful difference between a counsellor and psychotherapist. They attempt to do exactly the same job and, whatever they call themselves, they should only be judged on how effective they are at relieving emotional disorders.

Read ways to boost your emotional well-being.

Despite their training many professionals are not good at dealing with the disruption that out of control emotions cause their clients. Some common forms of counselling, for example, are known to make depression and anxiety disorders worse. Although psychotherapy is generally agreed upon as the best medicine for depression, any form of counselling that encourages excessive emotional introspection can prolong depression and anxiety. It depends on the individual. Conversely, once you find the RIGHT type of counselling for you, it is known to be more effective than drug treatments for all these conditions (even if due to chemical imbalances).

This can be confusing for vulnerable people seeking help, but it has only recently been realised that effective counselling ALWAYS depends on how attuned the therapist is to the factors of human nature and their effectiveness at helping people. Certain therapies focus on helping clients identify unmet emotional needs and empowering them to meet these needs by activating their own natural resources in new ways.

To do this, CBT therapists use a variety of up-to-date, proven techniques aimed at problem solving. This form of counselling is believed to be effective because it draws on both findings from psychology and neurobiology about how people really function and international research studies that have established which counselling techniques are the most effective. Such talking therapies don't waste time just endlessly listening to you without guidance or attempting to dredge up real or imagined miserable memories from the past (although trauma does need to be dealt with), since research shows this tends to confuse and upset vulnerable people.

Although talking through trauma is beneficial, and many of us use internal chatter to get through crisis, we shouldn't become morbidly fixated on past events. With the correct therapy, any voyages of self-discovery are given practical application in the world they live in, including suggestions of practical ways that can help the sufferer deal with the mental and emotional stress, and the emotional and behavioural difficulties arising from that, which they feel in the here and now.

Ending our anxiety and addictions

Depression sometimes makes us keep "bad" company with habits and fears that serve no purpose but to sabotage our efforts at recovery. And no one who wants to change their habit fails because they don't know how to do it. But by using CBT techniques, issues such as anxiety or panic attacks, fears, phobias, lack of confidence or overwhelming stress and pressure can be reduced, the cycle of depression can be broken, and the meaning and joy returned to life.

It can also help resolve trauma and manage anger. Anger disorders damage health, increase the likelihood of an early death and cause enormous misery among relatives, colleagues and innocent bystanders.

It is also believed to help stop addictive behaviour. Some believe there is an addiction gene we are born with, but all forms of addiction can be helped - alcohol, gambling, sex, TV and computer games, eating disorders - providing the person wants to make the effort to stop. It may even relieve medical conditions such as psoriasis, eczema, asthma, irritable bowel syndrome, chronic pain and migraine, because many of these have an emotional component.

Stressful events often trigger an outbreak because emotions affect health - and vice versa. What you feel ("bad", "as if you're nothing", "hollow") will impact your thoughts ("it's going to be a bad day", you feel something "bad will happen" or you think about everything bad that has happened to you) which in turn impacts your behaviour (you stay in bed, don't eat, sleep a lot, avoid people). Some habits will eventually impact on you physically - creaks in your back or neck, pins and needles in your legs, or just an overall achy, heavy feeling.

The chart above shows how everything is connected. It's a vicious circle that criss-crosses itself. How you feel will also affect your behaviour, and your physical well-being can also impact negatively on your thoughts. In fact, a century ago, even the greatest mind doctor of them all, Sigmund Freud, predicted that one day mental illnesses would be explained physically, once scientific techniques for the study of the brain became possible. Today some believe depressive illness is not a psychological or an emotional state, and is not a mental illness. It is a physical illness, the result of chemical imbalances. They say we should blame our biology not our mind: what we eat, our physical fitness and the state of our body all attribute to our mental condition.

However, to take a purely biological approach is unhelpful. The four components of Feeling, Thoughts, Behaviour and Physicality not only affect each other like dominoes, but they are all interlinked, too. Although the relationships between the components are complex, some believe what is clear, however, is that the key to breaking the cycle is behaviour, or rather the secret to getting positive energy flowing through this cycle, is behaviour. In effect, it's believed that what matters, ultimately, is not what you believe, because what you do is what will make the difference. Your thoughts will soon follow suit once new habits and behavioural patterns are formed through gradual exposure and repetition.

Another school of thought tries to battle this directly from our thoughts, said to influence our behaviour and body language. Thus by doing both, challenging negative thoughts and habitual unhelpful behaviours, we attack the mood or anxiety from two fronts, because our mood will naturally affect our body language, and vice versa. A third theory focuses on the emotional brain, and concentrates on the impact our feelings have on our thoughts and actions. Additionally uniting all four areas by focusing on the physicality front by eating well and exercising, too, means we are taking the fight to all four fronts.

Such "lifestyle" therapies, it's believed, can also harmonise relationships. Difficulties in relationships are often self-perpetuating because our beliefs and reactions to one another trigger patterns of behaviour which stop us solving them. when couples want to stay together but are having problems, such counselling may help them, too.

Read how to be a healthy valentine.

It is important to identify what you hope to achieve from any therapy offered. Goal achievements are said to be an important part of the assessment process. With the help of your therapist, it is always best to try and identify at least four therapeutic goals that you can agree on and are potentially achievable. Assessing the progress you make on these goals is a practical approach to problem solving the issues out of your life.

For instance, if you hate yourself, make the goal to lessen that feeling. If you continually find yourself worrying about everything, to try and reduce that. It may even be the goal to just deal with your dark days better, or to start doing the things you like again.

The problem is if we allow negative habits to become ingrained into our daily life, it will also affect our brain patterns. The responses that are there for times of danger, for example, such as anxiety, remain with us when there is no apparent danger. It's like the switch is stuck in our brains. We need to have practical ways of replacing the habits that no longer serve us with positive traits, and thus get our brain working again to flick off the switches that are causing us pain in our life.

Changing negative habits

One way to do this is to relax your body when you feel tense. Breathing techniques or "exercises" are very useful here. Find one that suits you, and which you can use whenever you feel stressed, or things begin to get too much, regardless of where you are. Some experts call these coping strategies hotspots - as they can be used in emergencies to target the stress. Alternatively you can set yourself breathing goals, such as making sure you breathe deeply at least 40 times everyday. Here's one example of a breathing exercise you can utilise or adapt to suit your needs:

Quick breathing exercise to ease anxiety or emotional stress

1. Slowly breathe in through your nose. Take in as much air as you can.
2. Exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat steps 1 and 2 again.
3. Now as you inhale through your nose, count to four.
4. Then as you slowly exhale through your nose this time count to six.
5. Make sure you are exhaling more slowly than you inhale.
6. As you exhale, notice your muscles relax.
7. Continue your nasal breathing for about five minutes or until you feel your stress is under control.

Another way to untense is to notice what your body is doing and do the opposite, for example, if your fists are clenched, open your hands. If your shoulders are hunched, relax your shoulders down, and so on. Another practical tip is not to overlook the essential household chores, and to make them fun. Put clean sheets on your bed, clean out your fridge, or even better still, your cupboard. Have a spring clean every month or so, and as you de-clutter your wardrobes, you'll also end up with an uncluttered mind.

Click here to change 6 negative habits.

You can also practise problem-solving steps, you don't need to just use them in an emergency. Think of it as a dress rehearsal. Practise mindful breathing, so that it becomes second nature to you, and when you feel anxious, you can employ it almost immediately.

Another way of solving issues of negative emotions is to simply "ride them out". When you feel anxious, do your breathing, and be patient until it passes (because it will as you body cannot physically keep up the tension indefinitely even though it may not feel that way at the time). Or choose an object to anchor your feelings of happiness in, and when you feel unhappy, reach for that object of choice to remind you of happier times. If you have problems facing people, rehearse what you want to say, or plan things ahead of time if you can.

For those individuals looking for more holistic avenues, one alternative you may wish to consider is yoga. Many people who suffer from emotional distress or a "restless mind" say they find yoga beneficial. We all know that yoga does a body (and a mind) good. But no one could really say with any degree of certainty why - or even how - it improves conditions as varied as depression and anxiety, diabetes, chronic pain, and even epilepsy, until a group of researchers at Boston University School of Medicine in 2012 discovered yoga's secret: yoga works by regulating the nervous system.

Use yoga to manage your stress.

Yoga, by definition, is holistic. You don't have to change belief systems, its modern incarnation is non-denominational, and it's a universal form of spiritual practice. It simultaneously addresses the needs of the body, mind, and soul - where to live a healthy and happy life its coda requires that both our immortal and our mortal parts remain fully united, and that these two aspects support and nurture each other.

Yoga says that in the search for immortality, if we ignore our body, breath, and mind, we are bound to suffer. In search of physical comfort and sense pleasure, if we ignore our spiritual side we are also bound to suffer. Thus yoga's ability to touch us on every level of our being - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual - makes it a powerful and effective modality for trauma victims in their journey to transcend their trauma. Initial study results have revealed that participation in trauma-informed gentle yoga leads to a significant reduction in symptoms of post-traumatic stress, for instance.

Read about the power of meditation.

Although yoga therapy is a new and emerging profession in the modern world, its roots are said to reach back thousands of years into Vedic teachings and science. When we trace our spiritual lineages back far enough, whatever our religion, we find they converge in a great ancient tradition that is shared by cultures throughout the world. In the case of yoga, the ancients brought forth profound insights into the nature of the human condition from the depth of their own inner journey, as well as extensive teachings and powerful practices about understanding and transforming suffering at every level taken from this convergent pool of universal wisdom.

One insight suggests that unresolved "issues in our tissues" manifest not just psychologically, but physically as migraines, nervous tics, clenched muscles in the neck, shoulders, and jaw, a sunken chest, or a heavy heart. Left unresolved, they can exact an even heavier toll in the form of heart disease, diabetes, panic attacks, ADHD in children, fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, and a host of autoimmune disorders.

Read about 10 spiritually transmitted diseases.

Most experts agree that trauma's effects live in the body - and that's why yoga works, but whatever you decide to use to help you change in your lifestyle to help strengthen your coping strategies, remember to take it slow. Going back to problem-solving therapies, they will take this into consideration, therefore, and try to change habits in behaviour with gradient steps - gradually facing your fears with small baby steps involving feel-good tasks such as reading, or listening to music, or doing gentle exercise (like yoga therapy). When your behaviour changes for the better, it will impact on the physical problems you face, too, and not just the emotional ones.

Above all, remember today is the day to take action no matter how bad you might feel: Take the first step to accepting yourself, genuinely and proudly. Don't be afraid to be who you are. Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are. Be yourself. Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else. Be the person you know yourself to be - the best version of you - on your terms.

Always be true to YOU. Don't put yourself in any situation that you cannot put your heart into. Bring yourself closer to life by taking out those things that don't serve your healing. If you want to get closer to the real you, you need to learn to let go, not of yourself but of things that are unhelpful to you. Without judgement, but in peace.

Letting go of the bad isn't easy. Neither is living. Harder than most can imagine. But who said it would be? And that doesn't mean you can't try. You can do it, as long as you hold on tightly to who you are, and embrace your flame as well as the shadows it emits. Because if we close our eyes to who we are, we will all remain in darkness before our time in the light.

And to keep that light shining it's best remembered that we cannot shake hands with our self with a closed fist. We must unclench to surrender to ourselves and be at peace with who we are, to paraphrase Mahatma Gandhi's words. And would that all of us can make such meaningful statements when we, too, must depart this temporary existence for other, more permanent pastures in the natural course of things.

But until then, life is a journey AND a struggle - one worth the effort of our lives. For although we may not know why we fall at times - we CAN heal. And when we fall, we need to know that we have the resilience necessary to bounce back up again. Just love yourself, have faith and be patient, and know that rules are there to be broken - even the ones for living well. Have fun with your struggles. Healing will come in time. At the right time.

Read 18 rules for living well.

Each of us has our own timetable for the process to love. Do not rush the process nor stay too long in a void. The stages of the process are not cut and dry, they are fluid and will flow back and forth, BUT there will be progress. Each of us will experience the process in our own unique way. There are no short cuts to growth. Please be patient with your process, and allow your life to unfold naturally.

Because you see, real love IS patient. If we allow love into our lives, it will allow us the opportunity to address our inner issues, and, as a true teacher or therapist would, allow us to come to realisations on our own. And then give us the grace with which to deal with them. In a way that is not presumptuous, but fully conscious.

Ultimately, we need to start being inspired by love. We need to check ourselves and walk past our depressive biases to an inner truth, where we have made love part of the solution to all our problems - out of the many facing us today. And when we finally hold hands with the love inside us, what a good day that will be.

Yours in love,

Love in a Joyous Mind

“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security. It may mean a giving up of familiar but limiting patterns, safe but unrewarding work, values no longer believed in, relationships that have lost their meaning. As Dostoevsky put it, ‘taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.’ The real fear should be the opposite course.”
— Mickie Kent

I try to be as open-minded as possible, as I'm sure most people do, and often times failing, but I do try. Lately, I wouldn't be surprised if we've been having a harder time with that - especially seeing how the world works today, and how we as humans have been trained to think.

You may have noticed that there is frequently an irritating, if not depressing, discrepancy between our ideas and good intentions and how we act when we are confronted with the nitty-gritty details of real life situations. The joyous mind we're trying to cultivate to help us heal, as we get through these tough years of upheaval, seems difficult to achieve in the face of such worldwide uncertainty over the future of the human race.

For me, when I practice my daily morning routine of breathing, I try to place all these current trends towards terror in their small place against the bigger picture of things. I'll be honest with you here however: although optimism and pessimism often plague me at the same time; optimism wins out the majority of the time in the bigger picture.

Yes, we do still live in a world where it isn't safe for women to walk alone at night. Where as women, on a day where we care about how we look, we're obviously asking for unwanted attention in the form of whistles and cat noises(!) We live in a world where "no" unfortunately, does not always mean no. Where gun violence reigns supreme. And intolerance.

Even those people who have been labelled and categorised into boxes, once out of them seem only to happy to push others into theirs - from gender inferiority, to race and sexual inferiority complexes, you name it, we got an intolerance for it. We judge people we don't know, we hate each other over imaginary differences, make fun of cultural differences (however in fun it happens to be) and the list could just go on and on.

But for all those things we find untranslatable about each other, the common universal bonds bind stronger - because they go deeper. Thus, we have the collective "good", a standard stalwart society against this rising tide that threatens to pull us back into the shadows of our human past. We are in the billions, and the evil done in our name doesn't measure up to the majority of ordinary, good people that just want the freedom to live their lives in peace.

This growing global consciousness is filled with strong and opinionated women, with equally strong partners standing beside them, who aren't afraid to speak their mind. Because, ladies, that "one" who will love us unconditionally will NOT be intimated or feel insecure by our sexuality. Quite the opposite, they will be invigorated by it! They know that the world is not "run" by men, nor women, we are "run" by the world, and by our nature - which if you believe is loving at its most primordial and spiritual, then you'll also believe that as long as we stay true to those natures, love will last out these torture years.

But as a collective, this doesn't mean we sit on our ass and do nothing, either! There will be times when we need to wait out a crisis with pace and calm, but there will also be times when we need to take a stand. But it's the belief and practice of many spiritual people that in order to rebel and struggle, we need neither leaders, nor caudillos, nor messiahs, nor saviours (nor money-making gurus!). To struggle, we only need a little bit of polite disgrace, a good amount of dignity and a lot of organisation. The rest is either useful for the collective or it isn't, and the strongest weapon we have is that of peaceful protest.

This takes a large dose of courage, too. And if the secret of freedom is courage, then freedom is the secret of happiness. Happiness takes courage. As Thucydides, an Athenian historian and political philosopher said, the bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it. As the late, great Maya Angelou said, still we rise against all adversity because of that innate courage we have to rally together in times of need.

It's how the world has seen some really bad-ass women survive and inspire countless others to their cause - and all have been unified by their courage to be able to bring the joyous mind into their lives. This isn't just about thinking positively or utilising morning breathing practices that have a direct effect on our energies. Sure, they can be a part of it. Using the flow of energy to arouse or calm energy, to produce inner heat or cooling or to direct it for the restoration of health and for longevity can aid us, because we need to house our courage in strong, vital bodies and healthy minds to be able to put it to the best use for our world and local communities. But what I'm really talking about here is this: if we want love to fix us, we need to be vessels for it to achieve it. We need to take action.

Again, let me qualify here that our protest against injustice mustn't make us as intolerant as the intolerance we fight. In my mind generally, as long as you don't hurt anyone else, including animals, or yourself, I could care less what your beliefs are. Not that I'm disinterested in your beliefs, but I won't try to change them. Be who you want to be. Don't be who you don't want to be. You certainly do not need my approval.

In my daily life I am CONSTANTLY learning to understand rather than immediately judge or to be judged. I WILL NOT blindly follow the crowd and accept their approach. I will NOT allow myself to indulge in the usual manipulating game of role creation over people or cultures I've never experienced first-hand. I will protest for my opinion, but I'll also defend your right to protest yours even if it opposes mine.

Fortunately for my twin flame and me, our self-knowledge has transcended narrow-mindedness, and we have come to understand that life is best to be lived with a hopeful heart and not to be constantly conceptualised by our (often baseless) fears over difference. Despite standing against such a backdrop of dark times dotted with global crises, I'm happy, because I'm growing daily regardless. And honestly, I'm growing not knowing where the limit lies.

Often it's only with hindsight we can work out which were the events which were turning points for good or bad in our lives, and when we look back at 2014, for many it will be a year of upheavals. If the emails from my readers are anything to go by, it's been an intense year so far - and depending on what you believe in, not only has there been some pretty epic astrological configurations at work, but in numerology 2014 is a 7 year. This marks the year of the Soul.

For believers it means you've deeply felt all the ups, all the downs, and all the twists and turns of life these past seven months, and it's probably been more than you can handle at times. I know that some of my readers have felt like that, and in such circumstances the only "good advice" to give is to be able to listen and not judge.

Living in a "broken" world

We all know the world isn't what it used to be, right? Everyday our bodies are under attack because we now live in an era of relentless toxic exposure from plastics, pesticides, and obesity additives. These harmful chemicals can be found everywhere. They are in the water we drink, the foods we eat, and the very air we breathe. And don't forget about all the lotions, creams, shampoos, deodorants, and air fresheners we use. Even our cookware can be toxic. By-products from Teflon pans, plastic particles from spatulas, and cooking sprays loaded with propellants.

Dangerous compounds like insecticides, PCB's, heavy metals, benzene, dioxin, phthalates, pesticides, DDT metabolites, flame retardants, styrene, xylene and dichlorobenzene - all have been routinely found in the stool, urine and blood of average people all around the globe just like YOU. Even newborn infants, not yet exposed to the outside world, are in danger.

In 2005, the American Red Cross took samples of foetal cord blood from 10 newborns and found a shocking 287 chemicals inside the samples, which included dioxins, phthalates, pesticides, Teflon by-products, flame retardants and many others. And that's really just the tip of the iceberg. A study published in the journal Neurotoxicology took samples of the first bowel movement of 426 infants. You'll be shocked at the results: 84% contained mercury, 27% contained lead and 27% percent had DDT, a pesticide that has been banned in the United States and other developed nations for the last 25 or so years.

There's no escaping this toxic burden. It's ALL inside your body right now and it's harming your cells, causing severe inflammation, clogging up your liver, stopping your body from getting rid of unwanted belly fat - and it's ageing your body at an accelerated rate.

So, should we just lay down and accept our "fate"? Of course not. As to the current political and war-like climate of the world, and this war waged upon our bodies thanks in large part to the wonderful luxuries and conveniences the modern free world offers us is actually an opportunity for us to show "courage". The courage to change, and to adapt in a synergistic way to the modern world.

I'm sure many of us would love to go and live on a mountain in Bhutan for a few days, and as a spiritual retreat it would be a great energiser - but forever? I'm going to give you another dose of honesty here: I'm glad I live in the progressive and supportive times we find ourselves in today - no matter what our struggles at the moment, no century has been more tolerant despite the intolerances that continue to plague us for now.

As a thoroughly modern woman that means that I need to be able to live with the modern world, and bring a joyous mind to the challenges it presents. To show courage to change those aspects of my lifestyle which aren't working for me, to keep what is, and to always keep an open mind over new things to try.

Fortunately, for example, there are a few simple tweaks we can make to our daily diets that can help your body eliminate this toxic burden and get your fat loss moving again, while helping you look and feel younger. Nature has already provided us with the energy "totems" to use - in the foods we eat. And I believe we should spend more money on food. It's a necessity and there's a weird dichotomy in England, where the very poor tend to have the very worst food, and then if you look at Ethiopia, in the rural areas where they're desperately poor, they have some of the best diets.

Eating a natural surplus of vitamins from clean foods will mean our bodies could have left-over calories to heal when the need arises. Gradually, over time, our healthy living now will be an insurance for our later years. Moreover exercise, even just six seconds of activity, will help us strengthen our immune systems against toxicity and help to transform our health. Even just walking has been shown to stymie brain atrophy, while social games and activities have the power to keep you feeling young.

However, simply limiting ourselves to strict physical regimes can become a curse we had hoped would be the cure. If we allow our fears of an imaginary overtly-toxic world take hold of our actions, instead of "fixing" us will kill the joyous mind - which is the very vitality of life. Thus, along with a good diet and keeping active, we need to have a higher purpose. Getting in touch with our spiritual or religious sides will often aid in us seeing the bigger picture - that we are part of a collective who believes in charity, peace and goodwill.

We also need to be kind to ourselves, and not beat ourselves up when (not if!) we have a treat! There are times we should eat what we like. And we also need to allow ourselves time to see results, and get accustomed to newer, better habits. If it took three years to put those extra pounds on, it's not unreasonable to give yourself three years to get them all off. And if you fall off the wagon, don't throw in the towel. Slips are bound to happen occasionally. Feeling guilty about it is only going to make attaining your goals that much harder (especially if you're trying to lose weight).

Healthy workout and diet tips for weight loss.

But I also think that we shouldn't need to diet if it makes us unhappy, because our food checks should be for health reasons, not for body image reasons. There will be people who are just naturally heavier but no less healthier than their skinnier counterparts, and we need to be happy in our own bodies. A joyous mind cannot exist in a body that doesn't love itself, and love cannot "fix" us in these circumstances.

In truth, this isn't "fixing" anything, because you can't fix something that isn't broken - you'll only damage it. Likewise, growing old gracefully is a part of a healed and healing lifestyle. Fighting against old age is not only futile, it means you can't accept who you are, and even growing old disgracefully embraces both these things. Cambridge professor Mary Beard touched upon the paradox we find ourselves in growing old, and had this to say:

These two faces were vividly captured in the news last week. On the one hand, we learned of a big, sell-out discussion in central London, on "How to look hot at 100". This was a kind of "90 is the new 70" event. It featured a man who runs a blog-site, which captures, I quote, "the sartorial savvy of the senior set" and a 76-year-old grandmother keen (as I am) on Doc Martens (to be honest, the whole event brought out the counter-suggestible in me. If, unlikely as it is, I ever get to be 100, I hope I've got something better to do - I thought - than wonder how to be "hot").

This highlights the question we must all ask ourselves over our problems: Just what it we need fixing? Unless we realise that happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of travelling (as Margaret Runbeck said) and that happiness is in the heart and not in our circumstances, we will fail to understand that the happiness of our life depends upon the quality of our thoughts and the courage of our actions.

When we do finally have the courage to find ourselves with such an empowering mindset, we'll only care about body image insofar as we are healthy enough to see out our higher goals, and not because of some superficial body image we have been trained to see as "beautiful". Because what we're cultivating in those circumstances is not happiness but our own misery.

Read the 21 habits of happy people.

It's not realistic, and we need to be grounded in our own realities to find enough love for a joyous mind. And this doesn't mean we will always be calm and serene, either, because we can't be! Remember slip backs will happen. Make no mistake, to err is human. And sometimes, we not only learn more from our mistakes, but they can be a form of positive release, too, as long as we learn to "turn" these episodes into loving opportunities, and train ourselves not to get disheartened.

For instance, if I'm to be frank, my twin flame doesn't always have the cleanest mouth. He swears a little more often than I'd like him to (though sometimes it feels good when I get out a couple expletives, too). But you know what? I don't really care. And neither should you. If you find yourself angry, excited, worked up or just want to relieve a little pressure, there's no harm in letting go of a couple of words that might otherwise make you - or your mum - cringe. After all, they are only words. And although they may be slightly unpleasant to the ears, research shows that swearing has its health benefits.

What are these benefits? As I read in two small studies from Keele University in the United Kingdom, swearing could help people withstand physical pain and cope with emotional and frustrating experiences. Swearing appears to trigger a fight or flight response that results in a release of endorphins to limit pain and calm. (I can attest to that).

For example, if I stub my toe, am overwhelmed with stress, or find myself in a conversation where I'm discussing a topic I'm passionate about, I'm likely going to say a couple of words that aren't necessarily part of everyone's daily vocabulary or are particularly cherished. I find doing so not only helps me feel less pain and frustration, but it allows me a form of release. The mere act of saying these words does something to me on an emotional and psychological level that brings an element of relaxation, comfort, and freedom.

Don't lock your feelings or yourself away, open yourself up. Open yourself up to your loss, anger, upsets - let them all in, and then let the negativity in each one go. Turn them towards love. We need to share what we feel, if not with others, certainly with ourselves. Don't be afraid of internal chatter - it doesn't mean you're crazy! Sometimes we have to silence it to get us "into the zone" when we need to focus (meditation is good for this), but statistics show over 90% of us engage in some form of beneficial internal chatter. And sharing what we feel with others is also important.

What we need to be aware of is delivery - how we share what we feel. Similarly as constant swearing will just switch people off to us, the point isn't to find someone we can unburden ourselves on constantly - it's about not being afraid to tell people how we feel.

Sometimes, people just need a release. There are societal pressures that often limit our behaviour, and language is a place where these limits are regularly enforced. When you become frustrated, swearing can cause a moment of freedom from these bottled-up feelings.

If you think back to arguments you might have had, or situations you might have found yourself in, when you were emotional, stressed out, or passionate, you may have let go of a curse word or two. And although it's unlikely the person you were talking to, or the people in earshot, were happy to hear it, it probably made you feel slightly better. And releasing these emotions, rather than withholding, is healthier for you, as long as you don't allow them to take hold - as they can be addictive. Often the line between what is constructive and destructive is a subtle one requiring balance, and this is when love comes in so handy, as it is THE great balancer.

So, don't imagine I swear all the time. But in those situations where you feel like you need to, go ahead! Just be sure not to direct them at anyone personally, as that could lead to more harm than good.

How to discover your own joyous mind

“All that spirits desire, spirits attain.”
— Khalil Gibran

Perpetual happiness is unrealistic (and this hyper-unrealism makes the world look worse than it really is), but the freedom to pursue happiness is a human right. We shouldn't be too hard on behaviours caused by joy, or feel shame in them, or feel that we shouldn't try to "punch above our weight" (although I personally dislike that term).

Was it Michelangelo that has been attributed to the saying: The greatest danger for most of us is not that we aim too high and we miss it, but we aim too low and reach it? No matter, the intention is right, and said much better. A wish is a desire without energy, and we need to put courage, faith and conviction into our energies that we all deserve happiness, or at least deserve the freedom to explore what it is that makes us individually happy. We need to have the courage to believe that, and believe enough to aim deservedly high.

Courage is a form of higher power. It's something no one needs to give you, but you can attain freely. Courage gives you clarity, and focus. For instance, if you are single, instead of thinking, I'm looking for someone to love me, courage gives you the clarity to say: I'm looking for someone to love. And when you widen your inner horizons, your whole world expands. Add to your already abundant talents of what you can give to a loved one, or to the world, and see those talents reap what is sown by your desires.

Don't do this just for a relationship, do it for yourself. Do it to find joy in every area of your life. In every moment of your life. Once you achieve this, you'll discover that anything is possible. When you shut yourself away because of fears (that aren't really your own) nothing good will materialise in your life. But once you find the courage to take direction of your life, you'll find that asking yourself the right questions, and finding the right answers will get easier.

The first step begins with you. Action does not begin with the act, but in the brain. Even if you think you're acting without thinking, often the brain has been influencing that action due to a series of complex subconscious manoeuvres. If we can make more of our decisions act with full focused thought, then we become more focused to use our brain to take our life to the next level. Doing so will strengthen the emotional connection with ourselves and promote situations for a mentally balanced life, which can weather the storms that will inevitably come our way.

Striking the right balance will be unique to you. It will include many "failed" attempts. Your own journey will be filled with trial and error. And that is as it should be. Think of yourself as an enterprise to achieving happiness in your life: as an entrepreneur is driven, extremely hard working and totally focused on the business they are developing, you need to use those same set of skills to develop joy in your own life.

I use "happiness" and "joy" interchangeably here, although they are not really, but they SHOULD be. What we conceptualise as "joy" is the happiness we can choose to take hold of in life. Often life may feel like a session in a bullring, where we are the bull. While the matador is there by choice, the bull is not. And the bull dies every time, apart from rare occasions where both bull and matador perform exceptionally well. In these cases, the bull's life is spared, but more often than not, it ends in a bloody mess.

As the bull, we lack hindsight, or knowledge of what move will take us where. How can we can navigate through our troubles without hindsight? Well, the trick is being so attune with yourself that you don't have to. Life (like the traditional British weather - which has been unsettled this summer with hot days dispersed by showers, thunderstorms and longer spells of rain) is filled with uncertainty. If the rumours are true, Britain will soon be seeing the hottest summer in 300 years, but with current showers, who knows?

Hindsight is like a weather forecast for your life: you might not be able to guess what is ahead with pin-point certainty, but you can protect yourself to be ready for anything that comes your way. Having a joyous mind helps you see clearly, and also to see every challenge as merely a small detail within the bigger, better picture of your life - and thus deal with it accordingly.

For instance, a positive outlook can aid us in outlining a way out, to navigate this year's soulfully intense energy with ease. It may already be July, but you still have five months ahead of you. It's not too late to manifest the abundance, fulfilment and joy waiting for you this year. But you do have important choices to make. To think. To act. With joy.

If this is indeed the year of the Soul, then we need to choose to give it a joyful voice, and start making better informed decisions. See it as medical treatment, if you want. It will not only strengthen our immunity, but enrich the quality of our lives. Joy can be soul food for the brain.

Power Up Your Emotional Brain

Our brain is the best technology on the earth, and we need to learn how to enhance it to be better connected - not only with ourselves, but each other, to truly help create a world where we all get on better than we currently are.

Read why you should love you brain.

Emotions are powerful, and access the higher part of the brain. If we learn how to manage our emotional brain to empower ourselves, we can build up a priceless reserve of cognitive wealth.

Science tells us that we can - for sake of simplicity - divide the brain into three parts.

The lower, brain stem houses the instinctive brain, which pumps our heart, helps us to breathe without thinking about it, and to instinctively react without thinking about it (which we are told we shouldn't do in modern times outside of times in emergency, as it obstructs rational decision-making).

We also have our higher intellectual brain that makes the rational decisions. But it's believed we have an emotional brain located in the centre of our brain, too, which is where we should be operating from - coordinating the whole brain to make sure we are operating harmoniously.

This emotional third part harmonises the best of both worlds - acting as a bridge between the instinctive and intellectual brain - in effect adding our self to the decision making process. Similar to cognitive methods that broach depression and deep rooted psychological problems by challenging our thoughts and behaviours, this emotional brain training approach makes us mindful of the power our feelings have over us. It allows the creation of a mental third space for our instinctive and rational sides to act together.

This unity connecting with your emotional brain brings, creates an awareness of where you are operating from, and, in that instance, changing your thoughts with feeling makes pathways to our higher intellectual brains to direct our emotions in ways that empower us, instead of disabling or sabotaging our decision-making processes.

Rather than keeping us connected to the brain stem, it links us to the higher intellectual brain, and thus allows us to respond better to life, people and everything else around us. With practice, it can be a great weapon to use in times of crisis to alleviate stress, to help us make rational decisions with a mindful, and joyful heart.

Our powers to peacefully persist are perfected through joy, modesty, wisdom and gratitude - higher emotions which link us from above to below, allowing us to receive the power and efficacy of things above and of things below our consciousness. And whatever is hidden in us should be similar to what we show outside, because their suppression affects us negatively whether we realise it or not.

The real secrets to life are true and remote from all cover of lying - even the lies we tell to ourselves. Once we understand this connection with truth, the marvels of life can be procured and perfected though our authentic nature, whether that be the nature that turns the world, or our own nature that tells us life is a marvellous journey: a journey to joy that begins when we are born.

But as we try so foolishly to "run" both our own nature and the world, we often forget the destination is death, and that the journey is far superior to the destination. Thus we should not seek joy after death, but seek it in life, and make that journey worthwhile every single day, because the distance we each get to travel is a mystery.

And getting where you want to go in life is not about finding a short cut, it's about putting in the required time and effort. You have to set goals and fulfil your commitments, even when no one would notice but you - and know in your heart why doing so matters. It's time to bring out the best in you, whatever that may be - and don't sell yourself short, carry yourself tall.

With this newly found courage, it's said that we can harmonise our instincts and our intellect with our emotions and founder a world that manifests our desires. It's even believed by some that it's only by such means that you can acquire the glory of the whole world, and drive away all shadows and blindness from your life. Some call these secrets the philosophy of the whole universe, but whatever name you choose for it, simply put it's about bringing the joyous mind to your life.

So, before we throw the baby out with the bath water and give up on this year completely, we need to remember that these turning points are as "good" or "bad" as our responses to them. We need to befriend our lives, be a friend to others, find joy in things, show gratitude for our "ordinary" lives (especially when we read about the war torn lives of people across the world currently) and honour our soul's purpose soon.

Unless we do, we shall let 2014 continue to get the better of us, travelling without a rudder as we try to navigate this patch of dark waters. You can still learn to better navigate this year's soulfully intense energy with ease, however, to bring a joyous mind to life, and attract more abundance, fulfilment and joy in 2014 (and it's not too late to make this year your best yet!)

Just open yourself up and trust in who you are, and allow the joy of it to fill your mind. Only then will life stop being a bullfight you feel destined to lose, and become a dance whose steps you're destined to learn.

Yours in love,