Fixing Twin Flame Relationships

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Those of us that believe we have found our twin flame will tell you that the connection with your twin flame is like nothing else in this world. For many it is a deeply satisfying relationship, that fulfils our spiritual need for human company.

However, as I have mentioned in my "Facing Challenges with Your Twin Flame" post, this doesn't mean that a twin flame couple won't need to go through the same relationship hurdles as everyone else. A relationship is a physical entity that we need to nurture in the correct environment for it to survive, and depending on the circumstances we may even need to fight hard to keep the romance alive.

So, let's say you are having troubles with you twin flame - or indeed any - relationship, are there practical fixes you can employ to rescue the situation and survive whatever challenges face you as a couple? Firstly, it is best to note that loving someone is not about controlling their thoughts and emotions. The best way to get to your loved one's heart is to be perceived as a spiritual equal - someone who shares the same wavelength as yours. It is all about feeling our value.

We all want to be valued. And in the deepest part of ourselves, we know that. But we often forget that when we encounter each other. Many of us are unfulfilled in our lives, and many of us have hungry hearts. Yet, we are not sure why our relationships are unsuccessful, and the cruellest cut is that we seem to repeat the same patterns and behaviours in relationships over and over again - even when we think we are making different choices in the friends or partners to whom we are attracted.

Secondly, experts say that many of the issues arising from interpersonal relationships are actually all about communication, or the lack thereof. We need to be able to communicate to ourselves and to others our thoughts and feelings competently. In addition, the major fix that can help us create a healthy environment, in which any fulfilling relationship with our loved ones can thrive, is effective communication. There are four recommended steps to achieving a high level of competence in our dealings with others, namely:

The 4 steps to successful communication

• Step 1: Intention promoting trust - This is all about our intention, our full attention and being respectfully present to others.
• Step 2: Be physically comfortable - This is about being physically comfortable when we are communicating so that our body language is letting the other individual know -
  1. that we are centred in our attention to them,
  2. we are respectful of them by not being restless and distracted with our self-attention or other things in the environment and
  3. that we are prepared to listen to them and not be rushed or impatient.
• Step 3: Use positive eye contact - This requires using soft, consistent, non-judgemental eye contact.
• Step 4: Respectful inquiry promoting total honesty - This is about respectful inquiry, being aware of and avoiding unimportant distractions or "pop-ups", and responsiveness in our conversations. Respectful inquiry allows us to ask a question in a way that invites the other person to feel it is acceptable and safe for him or her to give an honest answer.

In this article we will explore these recommended steps to creating an amazing, intimate relationship with your twin flame, but these can be used for friends and family as well as your significant other. But first below I provide some information about why we behave in relationships as we do, and how we can transform our behaviour to create the deeply satisfying relationships we want.

Origins of behaviour

Let's understand where our behaviours come from. Experts tell us that by the time we are 7 or 8 years of age, billions of sensory motor stimuli and messages have informed us how to respond and adapt to our environment in order to provide the best possible chance of survival. From these neurological feelings or responses come our protective strategies of how to live and survive, what to believe and value, and, ultimately, how we form our world-view.

These psychological perceptions are drawn from what we experience within the environment in which we are raised. Our environment is both external and internal, made up of incoming stimuli from outside the self and internal stimuli - biochemical or physiological - that send messages to our brain. These developed adaptation patterns become integrated with personality and have a significant effect on our behaviours.

The self consists of three components: emotions, beliefs and world-view. These components strongly influence our behavioural choices, as well as our attachment to those choices. This is why it is so difficult to change anyone else's behaviour, much less try to change ourselves.

Only when our thinking mind and our emotional mind recognise information that can enhance or improve our survival - or enhance how we experience our self - does a psychological opening occur that allows change to take place.

This is why I also share articles on how we can "rewire" old patterns of thinking, and how we can work to create a synergism between our mind, body and soul and our modern lifestyle, while nurturing ourselves physically through exercise and diet - because healthy people, and healthy minds are needed for a healthy relationship. It makes good sense: Only when you think and act clearly, can you can communicate clearly.

Communication patterns

When we communicate we must come from a place of love. The way we communicate in our culture today runs completely against the type of communication necessary to create self-discovery or self-awareness. The American Psychiatric Association has de-classified Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a psychological condition, because approximately 25 percent of the population is manifesting narcissistic behaviour. Self-absorbed and self-centred behaviour does not bode well for creating fulfilling relationships if the relationship is all about us or if it is all about them.

Self-love or self-respect is often confused for these destructive habits, because taken to their extremes they can exhibit similar qualities. However, at the heart of loving ourselves lies the understanding that we all want to be valued and cared about. Rather than an isolated view of Self, it creates a connected view of Self. We are truly loving ourselves when we can accept ourselves as we are right now, and negative patterns start to dissolve because that acceptance can bring motivation for transformational change, and creates empathy for others.

However, if we wait to change, or wait for someone to love us, before we love ourselves, then we are denying our own existence. If we wait to become "perfect", or to have the "perfect" love find us, then we waste our lives. Twin flame love isn't perfect love, it is love that compliments us, and is perfect to us, because we look past its imperfections, or more often than not, love the imperfections, too.

We are the outer expressions of our inner understanding, as that changes, so, too, will our outward appearance. But the changes we make when we love and accept ourselves is always positive. Love is a healing power, and love for ourselves is the power that heals us.

Accepting and approving who we are releases negativity that can block our choices, too, especially how we choose to treat others. We are so busy trying to get our own needs met that many of us take our partners, friends, family or other significant relationships for granted. We don't stop and think: "This person wants the same thing I do from a relationship." The "secret" to creating the relationships we want is to follow steps which result in mutually satisfying connections. This is the first step to changing our relational behaviour.

Fixing our relationship dialogues

The first step to changing your relationships is to change your own behaviour and then to understand how important relationships are in your life - to your health, success and happiness. To start you on the road to transforming your relational behaviour and ultimately transforming the quality of your relationships, begin any exchange with the decision that you are going to be fully present to the person you are speaking with. In a twin flame this is paramount, as eye contact is essential for true communication.

Subsequently, you will need to clear out all forms of distraction, and will no longer be looking over their head at who else might be coming in the room, or absent-mindedly playing with your eyeglasses, watch or jewellery, thinking about what else you want to be doing, or interrupting what the other person is saying so you can say what you are thinking about while you are not listening to what they are saying.

The importance of effective communication in all types of relationships is important, and no where is this more than true than in twin flame pairings. It is a spiritual joining, and we need to communicate that to each other for the relationship to thrive. Furthermore, the qualities of our communication style and the skills we bring to our conversations have a significant impact on our overall success in life, work and family relationships. While most of us are aware of how important communication is in business, we often forget that the communication skills that create successful business relationships are the same elements we need to bring to our personal and family communications.

With few exceptions, none of us would feel it was acceptable to be distracted while speaking to our boss or an important client. We would not be "tuning out" or thinking about some unrelated errand we have to run, or which movie we will go see after work. If we want to have a successful interaction with the boss or our clients, we are going to give them our full attention, being fully present to what they are saying and how they are communicating to us.

Successful communication needs our full attention

The same applies to all of our other relationships, yet many of us do not realise that these same elements are requirements for successful, fulfilling communication within our personal and intimate relationships - especially if we are with our twin flame. The connection is so intense, it may overwhelm, but when we are mindful of how we are communicating, and are aware of how to communicate in a way that lets people know they have our full attention, the outcome of our communication will be positive, creating a win-win for all participants.

Most of us have had no training in how to communicate or conduct ourselves in relationships. It is both a practical and necessary step to learn proven skills and the information necessary to change our communication behaviours. Our behaviours have been crafted over many years and are difficult to change, but not impossible. We can learn skills that can be incorporated into our communications and applied to all interactions and in all settings, and it is important to do so.

If you want to fix your relationship, you have to realise that at the heart lies a lack of communication, and you need to make the decision that you want to improve the quality and success of your communication and relationship skills, for greater fulfilment and more positive outcomes. Outside of our twin flame relationships, we do this by clearing out the many forms of distraction that are so common during our verbal exchanges with others. Focus on the individuals you are speaking with, being sincerely interested in what they are saying. This starts with relating to another person in a respectful manner that communicates to him or her that you value them.

If we are inclined to be a "hierarchy" thinker, where others are either beneath us or above us, this mindset will bring some challenging behaviours to communication and will generally result in less-than-successful long-term outcomes. This is easily seen in the workplace dynamics where people are jockeying for pecking order. This is why your intention to change and your desire for greater success are important.

Although in twin flame relationships it may be your preference to have a dominant/submissive relationship, in spirituality you are equal (especially outside of the bedroom), and it is the mutual trust and respect founded on such equality that forms the unconditional support, and which is a prerequisite to twin flame love.

Further steps for effective communication

The remaining steps for effective communication include the way we use our body language, our responsiveness to our loved ones, and how we can act to create an environment that nurtures trust and honesty between twin flame couples. Specific to twin flame relationships, honest synchronism between our body language and eye contact is very important.

Thus, we can further improve our skills for more successful outcomes in our relational dialogues by being physically comfortable with our partner. Our body language needs to express and foster an aura of trust - to show that we care about what our loved ones are telling us, and thus care about them. Our body language must be in harmony with our eye contact to foster truthfulness.

Eye contact - so important in twin flame relationships - is initiated through the optic nerve, which communicates with the limbic or feeling/emotional part of the brain. It communicates thoughts and feelings through both micro and macro physiological changes in the iris, muscles of the eye and fluid in and around the eyeball. All of these obvious and subtle physical "tells" or "cues" (or communications provide) us with conscious and unconscious information about how the other person is relating to us or what he is thinking and feeling. Gentle, sustained eye contact that expresses acceptance and a non-judgemental stance is a powerful component of creating successful relationships. We do not need to judge each other, as we will likely judge ourselves anyway when things go wrong.

While anyone can see how these practical, simple and positive behaviours can make a transformational difference in our communications, they do not necessarily come naturally to us. Sometimes when we are with our loved ones, our mind is not with them, and when we are in a dialogue with them we can get distracted by "pop-ups". Pop-ups are what happen when we allow our mind to wonder and become distracted from being present in the conversation. By being aware of them and clearing out distraction as they occur, we can continue to provide effective communication in our relationships.

This all aids in making us more responsive as couples to one another's needs, but also to our own. Responsiveness is about communicating that we hear, see and understand what the person is sharing with us without interrupting, projecting, interjecting or judging what he or she is saying, and that we expect the same in return. This type of open responsive attitude promotes total honesty in a relationship, which is an absolute for twin flame couples.

Your total honesty with each other gives you the power to support each other and face all challenges as a team. Because the twin flame relationship entails only you and your partner in confidentiality, you can feel assured in authentically sharing what is going on in your life: past relationships, eating habits, self-defeating behaviours, stresses, fears, etc., knowing that you will have complete support to change if you wish it.

Twin flames support each other

Such support enriches our life, gives us value, and more so when we return this support, because knowing we are adding value and enriching another's life, adds value to our own. Open sharing is your key to a deeper, effective coach-client relationship that creates the motivation to overcome challenges, promotes trust and total honesty in a relationship, providing a safe haven for real love to flourish.

In fact, when we feel safe, we can open our hearts and be emotionally vulnerable. That opens the door to healing our spirits and emotional bodies. Often with twin flame love, we want to share our darkest secrets (the ones that have been burdening us for years, for example) with our partner. We may not understand why we have this need to be completely open, but it is how twin flames join together. And if we don't know how to effectively communicate, the pairing can be disjointed.

When this is done effectively, twin flame couplings find that their respective others do not judge. This creates more connection and allows them to feel more open and vulnerable, which then opens them to healing, personal power. They are able to process the pain of any memory, release it and move on. Twin flame support can heal past pain, and strengthen us for future challenges when we trust in its power. It also presents a dignified aspect of love, rather than unnecessary dramatics that could irreparably damage a good relationship.

It may be that you need a trail separation, and effective dialogue is necessary to facilitate that in a positive way, so that once absence has made the heart grow fonder, you can truly bond stronger than before. Breaking up with dignity allows for a easier return, and if you realise you are not with your twin flame, if keeps you open to meeting "the one" when your split with an ex is as amicable as possible.

To summarise, for twin flames the alchemy of a relationship is total honesty negotiated through effective communication through what we say and what we do and how we act towards a loved one. When something in a relationship isn't working, the quickest "fix" is to talk about it at a time convenient for both of you, so as to facilitate an open and trusting environment in which you can both come together to show support and understanding.

Finally keep in mind that this type of relationship won't be for everyone - it takes some getting used to. This type of relationship demands utmost honesty both with oneself and with one's partner. Instead of hiding our cards, we lay them all out on the table. All our hopes, all our fears, all our petty and jealous thoughts, all our conniving: all of it gets laid out in the clear light of awareness for our partner to see. And he or she must do the same. It will not work if there are back doors unlocked with mental escape in mind. It will not work if both partners are not absolutely impeccably honest with each other.

And the reason for this radical type of honesty is that without it, the twin flame alchemy of relationship cannot take place. It is the dynamic of this trusting relationship that harness the sexual energies cultivated in tantra to a special twin flame level. It is about cultivating a special energy wavelength or frequency habituated between two people. Twin flame couples, like any relationship, need to make the effort to communicate with each other successfully and effectively to sustain an environment in which they can host their undying love for one another.

What you put in is what you get out of a relationship

Many relationships drop by the wayside because the partners are either unwilling or unable to make the efforts required to sustain them. Instead of experiencing the newness of each moment within the relationship, a kind of dullness seeps in over time; what used to be exciting is now boring. After a while, people tend to get "stuck in a rut". The liveliness that existed at the beginning of the relationship begins to fade. Both people become more or less unconscious. The harsh reality is that it takes continual vigilance and effort to keep a relationship conscious and alive.

And worse, a kind of psychological and emotional lethargy sets in, and both partners succumb to the dulling effects of unconsciousness. This type of unconsciousness is a death knell to psychological awareness and insight; and although it is rarely mentioned, this type of unconsciousness can have a negative effect on one's spiritual life as well. This is why we need to fix the form of interactions that habitually take place between twin flame couples within their relationship, and nurture effective communication - that pathway that travels from one flame to its twin.

Effective communication will allow a relationship to thrive in an open and safe environment of trust, appreciation and total honesty, because this is the "magical formula" necessary for relationship alchemy. The very nature of twin flame relationships means it is the perfect reservoir for these traits, and also provides the impetus needed to effective communicate with one another. There is usually plenty of energy in relationships in the form of neurotic patterns, hopes, fears, and desires - but the energy in a twin flame relationship (some have said) feels like a psychological awakening.

It is a time of radical honesty, and for both partners to express their true feelings no matter how embarrassing or scary they might be. By speaking their truths to each other, an enlivening element enters the dynamic. Psychological honesty results in psychological insight. And with insight there is hope for awareness, and with awareness there is a spiritual awakening and connection that differs from other relationships. It is this that adds a whole new depth to the relationship, arguably distinct to twin flame couplings.

Some describe it as a scared relationship, a truly holy way of being. The root of the word holy actually means to make whole. The English word "holy" dates back to at least the 11th Century with the Old English word hālig, an adjective derived from hāl meaning "whole", and used to mean "uninjured, sound, healthy, entire, complete". So, when we do something that creates wholeness (in the case of twin flames psychological wholeness), it can be said we are engaging in a sacred or holy act.

And in the crucible of mutual trust, honesty and appreciation, it is possible to forge a strong relationship that can withstand the slings and arrows of less nobler challenges. Twin flame love makes us psychologically more honest, more aware and freer as we enter the foundry of a twin flame relationship - as a counterpart to what will be the greatest union of our lives. Think how the cells inside the caterpillar believe the world is ending when metamorphosis begins, if only those crumbling cells knew of the wings that were sprouting. Or like the phoenix that rises from its own ashes, even after the longest fall, twin flame love really can give you wings. It can fly you both to places that you could only have imagined before.

You will instinctively sense if you are a candidate for twin flame love; you will feel it deep down in your core, because twin flame love gives you the courage to enter the depth of yourself and your partner to find out. You will be drawn to read articles on the subject and to research the phenomenon for yourself. But the intensity of the experience can be unsettling at first, because it will be a relationship like none other. When you discover that you are physically, emotionally and spiritually present with another person, it can overwhelm you.

We humans are, after all, quite clever and creative at avoiding the psychological heat. We can find all sorts of ways to avoid facing ourselves. Some of us numb ourselves with alcohol or drug abuse. And some of us do it with television. In fact, they are far too numerous for me to list here. But for those in a sacred relationship, mysteries and treasures await if we embrace total honesty, and place our trust in the openness a twin flame relationship has the potential to harbour.

When we do that, there is nothing we cannot face together, there is nothing that cannot be "fixed". Even though there is no definitive manual to love, and there is precious little guidance out there for twin flame couples, the path to relationship spirituality begins with effective communication. Even in the darkest moments of life where it is hard for you to see to even put one foot in front of the other, the deep primordial force of twin flame love will help you to stand - as you both walk together for better or worse, in sickness and in health, beating as one heart.

Yours in love,